Crazy Fiction and More!

Cliffyboy verses the... what?

2008-05-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

After I sent Duckman off to East Bumblyburp, I flew around town to make sure that any evildoers would be dealt with. It was a long night of not much going on. I wouldn't admit it to some, but I actually nodded off a few times.

At dawn, I decided to go back to the water tower and see how Duckman was doing over there in East Bumblyburp. I landed the Cliffflyer and hopped out for a clear look. Everything looked good for a few moments, but then there seemed quite a commotion. I noticed that Duckman was chasing a....a.....something. I couldn't tell what it was. But!!!! they were coming straight toward Bumblyburp!!! I jumped back into the Cliffyflyer and began grumbling quite loudly about Duckman and his lack of super abilities, and how he was chasing danger toward my town.

I flew ever so swiftly over to the edge of town and met them as they were coming into town. I landed right in the middle of the street, and jumped out in front of them. "Halt!" I shouted.

The thing, whatever it was, stopped right in front of me. It was a peculiar creature. It seemed something like a blob with a mouth and eyes. Bloodshot eyes at that. It just stood there, that is, if it could stand, and it just looked at me.

Duckman came up behind him panting and said between breaths, "Finally.....I've got you.....you evil....whatever you......are."

The blob just turned slightly and looked at Duckman with what appeared to be annoyance. "Um, excuse me Duckman, but what seems to be the problem here?"

Duckman contiued to breathe hard for a moment, and then stood straight pointing at the...whatever. "This thing, whatever it is, beat up those kids on Blueberry Lane before I got there!"

The blob just looked annoyed and rolled his eyes. As I tried to understand the problem, the blob suddenly spoke up. "EEeyoploben perg fen, oobla glip glop!"

Duckman and I looked at each other in confusion. I looked back at the blob. "Um, could you repeat that? I'm not sure I understood what you said."

"EEeyoploben perg fen, oobla glip glop!" he said even more firmly this time.

I narrowed my eyes a bit, and leaned in a bit closer. "What are you?"

"Heeblplip."

"You're a ....Heeblplip?"

The blob shook back and forth like he was shaking his head no, if that were possible. "Schmiglestan gleep frong pooble blonck."

I furrowed my brow and leaned over toward Duckman. "I don't get it."

Duckman slapped his forehead. "I went over to help that kid on Blueberry Lane like you said. Except this thing had already done it. When I asked for an explanation, he started babbling at me too. So naturally, I began chasing him when he suddenly turned and ran."

"Couldn't you have chased him the other way?"

"What, into West Dimpletown? There's no hero in that town. Nobody could have helped me."

"Right."

I looked back to the blob, and then back to Duckman. "What do we do with him?"

"I don't know, that's why I came to you."

"Right. We'll give you a couple extra bonus points for problem solving."

"Gee, thanks!"

"I wasn't being serious you idiot! You're a super hero! You're supposed to be able to handle thses kinds of situations!"

Before I could berate him more, the blob jumped between us and began jumping up and down shouting, "Gleeble glop, gleeble glop, gleble glop glop glop!" over and over again. Suddenly, this mechanical device fell out of the blob and landed on the road with a loud bang. The blob just backed up and looked at us seething in anger. Duckman and I leaned over and looked at the device, wondering what it was.

Duckman picked it up and looked closer. "There's a button on here. Should I push it?"

"No..." I started, but it was too late. He pushed it. Thankfully, it was the right thing to do after all. There was a sound of the device powering up, and the blob seemed to sigh in relief.

The blob stepped over and sucked the device away from Duckman. "Finally!" the blob said. "Somebody with hands has turned on my universal translator! After those kids over there almost broke this thing, I had to use drastic measures to get it back. And now, all I need is someone that I want to talk to, and the two of you are not it. Goodbye."

Then, the blob just turned and left the way it came.

I turned to Duckman and said, "There, now that that's settled, I have a secret identity too uphold. As for you, I would follow him and keep an eye on him."

"But, Picklecliff, I have a secret identity to maintain as well!"

"That's your problem. In the meantime, that thing is in your town. Goodbye."

While Duckman continued to sputter, I flew away in my Cliffyflyer and went to work.

The Meeting

2006-09-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

So, at 10:00 I was there. I took out my Cliffyflyer instead of the Cliffymobile so that I could just land gently on top of the water tower. As I hopped out, I saw Duckman coming from a distance. As I waited, I surveyed the town around me, making sure no evildoers were taking advantage of this inconvenience and wreaking havoc in Bumblyburp.

So, Duckman landed in front of me and said quite obnoxiously, "Hello Cucumber!"

"My name is Cliffyboy, and I'm a pickle, not a cucumber."

"Oh, I'm sorry Cliffypickle. I'll get it right from now on."

"Sure you will. Anyway, there is a reason why I chose this place to meet."

"What's that?"

"Look all around you Duckman. In every direction, you see Bumblyburp below us."

"Yep. I can even see my house from here."

"Really? Where?"

"Haha! There you go again. I told you, I'm not giving away my secret identity. If I tell you, then I'd have to tell everyone else."

"Right. I forgot."

"Look, there's the mall over there. And there's city hall. And there's.."

"Ok, good, you got that all right. Now, look over there to the east."

"To the east?"

"Yes, right over there. That's East Bumblyburp."

"East Bumblyburp?"

"Yep. I'm ready to make a deal with you. I won't share this town with you, but I'll let you have East Bumblyburp. If anything happens over there, I'll stay out of it, and you can handle it."

"But, nothing ever happens in East Bumblyburp! You would doom me to being a superhero without a cause. Why should I protect a town that's perfectly safe on it's own?"

"Because if you don't, I'll tell every bad guy in town that you work at an office here somewhere. You know what will happen then don't you?"

"NOOOO! You wouldn't do that, would you?"

"Oh yes I would. But don't push me into it, because then I will have to come and save you. I'd rather that you take a little pressuer off by protecting East Bumblyburp. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about protecting that little boy on Blueberry Lane from the bullies at the bus stop. Instead, I can focus on the bigger trouble makers."

"What! There's a boy that gets bothered by bullies on Blueberry Lane? You've got a deal Picklecliff. I'll save him!"

Then he flew away. "My name is Cliffyboy!"

I watched as he flew off toward East Bumblyburp. "When do I tell him that they won't be there until morning?"

I hopped back into my Cliffyflyer and went back to patrolling the town.

"I love you Bumblyburp! You'll always be safe with me!"

Cliffyboy Vs. Duckman

2006-09-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

Alright, today, I knew that Duckman would probably be back. However, I didn't expect him to show up when he did. I was just driving around in my transit bus in the afternoon, taking the people of Bumblyburp where they wanted to go, when I saw him. He was flying around as if he were looking for petty crooks that were bold enough to try something in broad daylight. Well, there aren't many of those in Bumblyburp. I found the nearest gas station, and pulled the bus over. I shouted, "I have got to go, now!" I overheard one of the people on the bus comment to another, "That's the third time this month. He should have his prostate checked." I just ignored the person and ran into the gas station so fast that I was a blurr, and when I came out on the other side, I was Cliffyboy, superhero extraordinaire.

I looked up and I saw Duckman flying right overhead. What luck! I pointed my pickle juice shooter straight at the ground, and I fired the juice out so hard that I was catapulted right into the air, and straight at Duckman. He seemed quite surprised when he noticed me shooting at him at a high rate of speed, but he weasn't quick enough to get out of my way. We collided in a loud display of pickle juice and feathers and we fell straight down to the ground with me pinning down the lame duck.

"Got ya!" I shouted.

Then Duckman looked at me with great shock. "So it was you who shot that rocket at me?"

"That was no rocket. That was me flying through the air at you."

"Can't be. That was defenitely a rocket. I have to go find the evildoer who shot it at me."

"You're staying right here Duck."

"That's Duckman, not Duck."

"Now you listen to me. This is my town. I defend this town, and I don't need your help. Go find your own town."

"But this IS my town. Can't we defend it together?"

"WHAT!? NO WAY! I'd rather be a sidekick for Superhero Bob then share this city with the likes of you!"

"Superhero who?"

"Superhero Bob."

"Who's he?"

"She."

"What?"

"Superhero Bob is a she, not a he."

"Really? Bob is a girl's name? I thought Bob was a boy's name. What until I see Bob back at the office. He'll never hear the end of that."

"No! Bob is not a girl's name...really. Well, I don't know why she calls herself that. Maybe it's a ploy to confuse her enemies. Wait a minute. You said something about 'Bob back at the office.' What office?"

"HAH! do you really think I'd tell you something like that? I might as well just tell you what my secret identity is. I'm not that dumb! If I told you my secret identity, then I'd have to tell everybody else. Then it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

"Well, OK. But if you have an office to work at, shouldn't you be there now?"

"Oh shoot! You're right. They're going to notice that I'm gone anytime now!"

"OK, well, we both have to get back to our secret identity rolls. If you want to discuss things, then meet me at the water tower at 10:00 tonight. All right?"

"OK, I'll see you there cucumber." Then he flew away.

"I'm a pickle, not a cucumber!"

Cliffyboy, Spellbinder, and Duckman

2006-08-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was just patrolling the town last night. I was just driving around in my Cliffymobile minding my own business when I see this guy that looks like a Merlin wannabe. He had that whole sorcerer robe and cap thing going on, and he had a book in one hand. He opened his book, and when I drove past, he said a few words and held his arm out stiffly as if to make me stop. Well, I did. Came to a screeching halt. Being that I wasn't using the brakes, the tires kept spinning and squeeling, making smoke like crazy.

So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out. "Hey! What do you think you're doing? Those are very expensive tires. I need good tires to be able to chase bad guys!"

"SILENCE!" he shouts at me. "I am Spellbinder! Watch in awe as I turn Bumblyburp upside down and inside out."

At this point, if this were a TV show, I'd look at the camera with a wry smile and almost snicker. Then, I would walk over, grab his book and punch him. What nerve this guy has thinking he can just turn my town upside down with his crazy spells. Well, anyway, that's what I would do if this were a TV show. But it's not.

Instead, he turned the page in his book and started mumbling a few words. Then he turned the page and began mumbling again. I couldn't help it anymore. "Um, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the spell that will turn you into a goat. Once you are a goat, then you will not be able to stop me from turning the town upside down. Aha! Wiggle worm and squiggly squirm, turn into a little worm!"

Suddenly, I have a whole different view point on life. I'm wiggling around on the ground, and I'm even softer than my usual pickle softness. Spellbinder however, was very upset. He had used the wrong spell.

"No, no, no. That's not a goat. That's a worm. The plan was to turn him into a goat. Do you think I can get it right. NOOOOOO! Not me. I've got to fix this."

Then he starts looking in his book again to see if he can figure out how to turn me into a goat. It's very fortunate that nobody pointed out to him that I wouldn't be able to do anything as a worm. He found a good number spells and he tried many of them. None of them turned me into a goat though. He turned me into a cow, a wolf, and a frog, before he settled on a newt and then changed his mind and insisted on the goat again. Then I became a telephone pole, a car, and a garage door opener before he decided that he had to start over. He found the spell that undid all of his spells made in the last hour, and I became myself again.

I would have jumped him right then, but I didn't have a chance. Instead, this half duck and half man jumped around the corner and shouted, "Have no fear! Duckman is here!" Great! Just what I need. Another super hero to get in my way.

"Wait a minute!" I shouted. 'This is my town! I don't need another super hero here to help me stop the evil doers here, and I won't allow some Merlin wannabe to turn my town upside down!"

"My name is Spellbinder! Not Merlin!"

"And I'm not just any other super hero! I'm Duckman!"

"I don't care what your names are! Give me that book!" I shouted as I began to chase spellbinder around the Cliffymobile. "And you, get out of my town. Go find another town to defend!" I shouted over my shoulder while running. That's when I realized that Duckman had just put out his webbed foot and tripped Spellbinder. He bent over, grabbed the book, and shredded it with his....duck bill. I would say teeth, but I'm not sure he had any.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shouted Spellbinder. "I need that book. Without it, I have no power!"

"Good!" I said. "That means that I can easily take you downtown to set up shop in your new home, a jail cell. Duckman, thanks, but go home."

"You're welcome Cucumber boy. Glad to be of service. I'll see you tomorrow!" Then he said, "Quack, quackity quack!" and he flew away.

"No, I won't see you tomorrow! Bumblyburp is my town! Stay away! I'm a pickle, not a cucumber!"

I don't think he's going to listen. Now I have to deal with him tomorrow.

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man - part 2

2006-08-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

So I press down hard on the gas, and the Cliffymobile shoots forward. So, when the Evil Biker Man slams his chain down, he misses and hits the road instead. Because this is not some ordinary chain, but a nuclear chain instead, it causes the road to explode into pieces. The Evil Biker Man almost lost total control of his bike. As it was, he had to move quick to keep his bike upright and not totally wipe out. As soon as he got back under control, he sped up behind me with an angry look on his face. He was also shaking his fist in anger, with the chain rattling back and forth with every shake. Yeah, I'd say I got him a little upset.

Well, anyway, he decided to try and come around to the side and do it again. He weaved to the left, and I weaved to the left so he couldn't get through. Then he went to the right, and I went to the right. We went back and forth like that a couple times. He got so fed up with it, that he just gunned the bike into a wheely and shot ahead until his front wheel was lodged onto the back of the Cliffymobile.

I gasped loudly as I watched him raise the chain again to strike the Cliffymobile, laughing like a maniac. Wait. We're talking about a villian here. Of course he's a maniac.

Well, once again I wasn't sure what to do, so in a panic, I slammed on the brakes. When I finally came to a stop, I saw that the sudden braking had launched the Evil Biker Man into the air with his bike and chain following close behind. All were spinning in the air with perfect harmony, as if it had all been planned. Totally amazed at what I was seeing, I sat with my mouth gaping as all three landed in the water fountain in front of city hall.

I zoomed over there, and quickly pulled the Biker Man out of the fountain. He was coughing and gagging, and trying very hard to breathe. I began to worry about the possibility that he might pass out. I began to look around to see if there might be someone else nearby to give him mouth to mouth if it came to it. There was no way I was going to put my lips together with this evildoer. It didn't matter that he had just gotten out of the fountain, wet as can be. He was still dirty. Super hero or not, that was one thing I just was NOT going to do. I was glad to see the police catching up.

The Biker Man finally caught his breath and then he began to cry. He turned back to the fountain and shouted, "My bike! My chain! They're both ruined! Without them, I can't be the Evil Biker Man!" He turned to me and grabbed my collar, shaking me. "What am I going to do! I had an identity. I wasn't just some average biker, or just some average goody two shoes. I was the Evil Biker Man! I was special!"

I knocked his hands off my collar and slapped him back into reality. "Get a hold of yourself man!"

The biker looked at me and gently rubbed his cheeks. "You slapped me." This guy had a real gift for the obvious sometimes.

"Look man, you don't have to be evil to be special. I know some bikers who do really good things, and they're still special. In fact, I know one guy who likes to ride a bike, and his last name is Good. His first name is Dave, and there isn't much special about that, but his last name is Good. And he is a biker. You can be special like that too. Just change your name to the Good Biker Man. Then, you can help people and still be special."

"Really? I can be special without being evil?"

"Yep. Unfortunately, you will have to pay the price for your evil first. Sorry. Take him away boys!"

Then the police officers cuffed him and read him his rights.

What a strange evening.

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man

2006-08-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, walking out of the police station after taking care of the purse snatcher, and I have one of the most strange experiences in my life to this point. This guy on a Harley comes riding up and stops right in front of me with dust and smoke all around. As I gag and cough, the smoke and dust settles and I find myself looking right into the eyes of this biker who is now standing right in front of me. As soon as he can see me clearly, he starts to laugh and just points at me, laughing so hard that he falls on the ground.

I was not amused. I asked him, "What's so funny?"

He suddenly stops laughing and stands back up to look me in the eye. "You call yourself a super hero? Look at your costume. And besides, you're a cucumber!!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Once again he fell backward laughing at me and pointing. I could only think of one thing to say. "Um, I'm a pickle, not a cucumber."

The guy stopped again, but this time, he didn't resort back to his laughing fit anymore. "Pickle, Cucumber, who cares. It doesn't matter. I am the Evil Biker Man! I will take over the city, and you will be defeated!"

At this point, if I were on a TV show I would look into the camera with slight amusement and disbelief that this guy believes he can just defeat me and take over my city. I might even have a slight smirk on my face. Then I would ask him, "Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?" Of course, that's what I would do if I were on a TV show, because then the bad guys always tell you what their evil plan is. Actually, I probably would have asked him anyway, but I didn't have enough time. He went ahead and told me anyway.

"Let me tell you how I'm going to do it!" he says. Then he just stood there like he was asking me for permission.

"Um, yeah, go ahead."

"I will!" He turned back to his Harley and pulled a chain out of his sack. When he turned back to me, he held the chain tightly over his head and shouted, "This is my nuclear chain of death!" The chain began to glow. It really was nuclear. "I'm going to ride around the city and wreak destruction with it. And when I'm done, I'm going to use it to destroy you!"

Then he got back on his bike and rode off into the traffic. I watched as he whipped his chain at the vehicles and ruined the cars. Many people were getting hurt. Then I realized, that I have to do something. I am a super hero after all. But, what am I going to do? It didn't matter. I had to do something, and do it now, even if it didn't work.

First, I called 911. Somebody had to after all. I needed to have somebody nearby to give the evildoer to after I caught him, and besides, people were hurt and they needed medical attention. Then I jumped into my Cliffymobile and raced after him. There were already some police cars after him. There were also rescue responders coming from the opposite direction. He didn't pull over for anyone. What a heartless criminal! He wouldn't even let his victims recieve help from the paramedics! I had to act quick. I pulled up beside the biker, and I glared at him. He looked at me and laughed. He raised his chain high, just about ready to use it on my Cliffymobile! Oh no! What will I do?

The Adventures of Cliffyboy - Chapter 2

2006-08-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

OK, so the evening started out slow. I went down to the mall, and everything seemed to be business as usual. For hours, nothing out of the ordinary happened. There was one incident around 9:30 though. You see, there was this wierdo who thought he could steal this teenagers purse. He didn't see me standing by the store on the corner. Well, he grabbed the girl's purse and ran...straight towards me. This one was easy. I just ducked around the corner and squirted a little pickle juice onto the floor. Sure enough, he stepped right in it and fell flat on his back. Being the nice super hero that I am, I caught his head before it hit the floor. There's no use in gloating to an evildoer if he can't tell what you're saying because he has a concussion. I held his head in my hands and I looked right into his eyes. "Thought you could get away with it, didn't you! Well, not while Cliffyboy is in town. You'll have to come downtown with me, evildoer."

"Hey!" he says. "That's not a very nice thing to say, calling me an evildoer."

"Oh, and it was just common courtesy for you to hold that young ladies purse, right. How nice of you." I respond with sarcasm. "You'll be returning that now."

After returning the purse, and going downtown to the police station, the young man met his fate for the night, a jail cell. Now, I find myself wondering if I'll get any real challenge in defending Bumblyburp tonight. I dare any super villain to just try to take this town.

The Adventures of Cliffyboy - chapter 1

2006-08-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hello! My name is Cliff. Well, at least that's the name I go by when I'm in my civilian clothes. But sometimes, a hero is needed. That's when I put on my super suit and then I go by the name, Cliffyboy. Yep, that's right. By day, I'm the average transit bus driver, and by night, I'm the galant superhero, Cliffyboy. Well, actually, I don't do all my crime fighting at night. Sometimes, somebody needs a hero in broad day light. That can be the most challenging thing about my life. How do you stop in the middle of a bus route and change into your super siut to save someone when you have a bus load of passengers watching your every move? I've had to get real creative a couple times.

Once, I had to run into an elementary school to change into my super suit. I told everyone on the bus that I had to go to the bathroom. That worked. However, it's hard to throw off all your civilian clothes and hide them while putting on a helmet while your in a bathroom stall. One might ask, what do you need a helmet for? Well, how else am I supposed to rig my pickle juice shooters over my ears. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I'm not a human like many of you reading my story. I'm a pickle. Sometimes, evildoers will mistake me for a cucumber. That's when I shoot my pickle juice at them and remind them that I'm a pickle, not a cucumber.

Usually though, I like to fight crime at night, when I'm not working. It's easier to put all my effort and energy into it when I don't have to worry about transporting people all around the town of Bumblyburp. Oh yeah! That's the town that I faithfully protect. Bumblyburp! Founded in 1803 by the famous Obadiah Bumbleburp. He was a pickle too.

Well, enough writing! I must go out and protect the city! What evildoers will I meet tonight? God only knows.

Tagged again?!

2006-06-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

OK, my sister really likes to tag me with this stuff. Interesting, huh? Anyway, here is what she wants from me.

I AM: A child of God, a deacon, ajildren's ministry director, and a soldier of Christ disguised as a bus driver.

I WANT: More time alone with my wife.

I WISH: Everybody drove as good as me.

I HATE: When mature people act like little children.

I LOVE: God, my wife, my children, my Mom. OK, OK. My siblings too.

I MISS: my dad. I know it's been 11 years, but I still wish he were here.

I FEAR: I am determined to fear nothing and nobody but God.

I HEAR: Traffic, a lawn mower, my computer.

I WONDER: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I REGRET: the times that I didn't seek advice before making important decisions.

I AM NOT: perfect. OK, it was my sister's answer, but it's a good one.

I DANCE: pretty badly.

I SING: better on the lower keys. I can do real good with, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas"

I CRY: When I realize just how much God loves me. OK, OK, it's a mushy answer, but I'm not ashamed to get mushy with God.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: on time.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: I don't know. I'm not to good at making things. I'm better at tearing things apart. However, I don't too bad with making a sandwich. Does that count?

I WRITE: Well, usually I have to write the curriculum for the children's ministry at my church. On occasion, I get to write a sermon. When I get a chance, I write fiction at this website, and also in a few other places.

I CONFUSE: easily when I talk with women.

I NEED: grace.

I SHOULD: do something more productive.

I START: before I finish.

I FINISH: after I start.

Traveling Salesmen and Super Dad's

2006-06-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here's the next edition. Imagine your favorite newscaster saying...

"Traveling Salesmen?!"
In Empty Pockets, Nebraska, a family is reporting a run in with traveling salesmen. That may not sound unusual at first, but these were no ordinary traveling salesmen. These traveling salesmen were from another planet. Yes that’s right, they were aliens.
On a Saturday afternoon, the Smith family was just enjoying another weekend at home when there was a knock at the door. When Mr. Smith answered the door, there was a green alien yellow eyes and no hair was standing there. Next to him there was another green alien, but this one had red eyes, and hair dragging on the ground behind him.
The first alien reached out his hand and said, "Hello, my name is George and this is my companion Fred. We’ve come a long way across the galaxy to show you something that we just know you’re going to want to buy."
Mr. Smith was shocked at first, but when he heard what they wanted, he simply said, "We’re not interested. Besides, we don’t have any money. Goodbye." Then he closed the door.
As Mr. Smith turned around, he screamed. The aliens were now behind him, inside his house. "How’d you do that?" he asked.
The aliens looked at each other briefly then responded, "Well, have you ever seen Star Trek? Our transporters are better. They’re quicker and much quieter because we can control ours with just a thought."
"You know about star Trek?"
"Well of course. We keep up on all earth technology and entertainment. If we don’t study how you all live, how will we ever know what you all need in life. Which brings me back to the reason why we are here."
"Wait a minute!" said Mr. Smith. "I don’t want to hear about any product except for your transporters. I could definitely use one of those."
The aliens seemed a little perplexed. "No body has ever asked for that before." said George. "What do you think Fred?"
"Well, why not. I mean, if he’ll pay for it, why not."
George looked back to Mr. Smith. "You’ve got a deal!"
Mr. Smith wasn’t ready for the deal yet though. "Before you sell it to me so quickly, I want to try it first."
"Not a problem." said Fred.
Immediately a large machine was in front of them. Mr. Smith called his son Jimmy over. Jimmy looked at the machine for a while and he figured out how to use it.
"Yeah, it’s real simple Dad. All you’ve got to do is push this button here, and those guys can’t control it anymore. Then, to transport them back to their ship, push these buttons, and we’ll never see them again."
Mr. Smith fought the aliens off for a bit while he shouted, "Do it now, Jimmy. Do it!" Then, Jimmy did it, and the aliens were gone. Ever since, the Smiths haven’t needed their car, so if you’re looking for a good car, you might be able to get a deal with them.

"Dad to the Rescue!"
Last month we told you about the children of a super hero school who had a contest concerning the best Mom awards. Well, we are going to take you back there for another story. It appears that the students at the school found themselves in quite a predicament recently. You see, an evil villain took over the school, and demanded ransom from the parents of the students.
All of the parents, who are super heroes of course, gathered together to make a plan how to save them. However, none of them could agree on how to do it. Every one of them insisted on doing it their own way. They argued together for many hours, to no avail.
There was one father who wasn’t willing to just stand around and argue. While the others continued to argue, he formulated and executed his own plan without a problem. He decided to turn the tables on the evil villains, and he decided to join them, or so it seemed.
You see, this father went down to the school and called for them to come talk for a minute. He said that he didn’t care that his children were being held hostage. He wanted in on their plan, because he needed some money to help pay off his debts. Although it took much talking and persuasion, eventually the villains agreed to let him.
Once inside the building, and learning their whole plan, he gathered together with them in one room, and then proceeded to kick their butts! Because villains are not so smart, they never saw it coming. In 3 minutes, this father had all of them tied up in knots. He then went out to the cafeteria, where all of the students were being held, and let them free. This father’s children were extremely proud of their father, and gloated to everyone about him.
The other heroes heard what happened and came straight to the school. They gladly welcomed their children home, and they all gave the rescuing father an award for actually doing something and not standing around arguing like the rest of them. One commented to him, "It’s a wonder anyone gets saved with the way we argue all the time. Good job!"

Duck Tales!

2006-06-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

Imagine your favorite newscaster telling you these duck tales.

"The Dry Duck!"
In the town of Rainy, Ohio, a young boy noticed an unusual thing by the pond out back. What he saw was a duck carrying an umbrella, and constantly watching the sky. His curiosity really got to him, so he went out to talk to the duck. "Excuse me duck, but what are you doing?"
The duck looked at him, apparently shocked that the boy was talking to him. After a moment, when he realized that he was just standing with his bill open, he cleared his throat and asked, "I’m sorry, what do you mean?"
The was a little surprised to hear the duck talk to him in English with very little of his duck accent. "Well, I mean, why are you walking around with an umbrella, watching the sky?"
"Why that’s easy to answer young man. I’m watching to see if it will rain. You see, I don’t want to get my feathers wet."
"But, I thought that ducks liked water."
"Well, most ducks do, but I don’t. Actually, I’m terribly frightened of water. I’m not quite so concerned about standing water, like in a lake or something like that. What bothers me more is the thought that it could rain. I always carry this umbrella with me just in case it does. You see, once it starts raining, you never know when it will stop. It could rain for days or weeks, and then you would have a flood. I also wouldn’t be able to get dry for months. It would take forever for the water to recede."
"Have you ever been stuck in a flood before?"
"Oh yes. I have experienced many floods, and think that now I may have developed a condition. I’m always watching for rain, because I don’t want it to flood. You know, there was a time long ago when it rained for more than a month. The water got so high, that it rose over the tallest mountain. The only place I could find to stay dry was a stupid boat filled with all kinds of animals. Boy did it stink. And would you believe, the captain of that boat wouldn’t let me have my umbrella. He took it from me and refused to give it back until the water had all dried up. I haven’t let it out of my sight since."
"You mean to tell me that you were on Noah’s Ark?" asked the boy skeptically.
"Well, yes. I was. What, you don’t believe me?"
"Noah’s ark sailed thousands of years ago. How could you have been alive that long?"
"Have you ever herd of Rip Van Winkle? Well, I’ve got him beat. When I fall asleep, I sleep for centuries. However, I never sleep without my umbrella."
The boy invited the duck into his house. The duck gladly accepted, because then he would be inside where it doesn’t rain. The duck told the story to the boy’s father, and the local news agencies, and the duck became famous. It didn’t last long though. Three days later, the duck fell asleep in the boy’s bed.

"Duckman!"
There is a man in western New Jersey that is no longer just a man. He used to be a scientist studying the eating habits of ducks, when there was an accident. Ever since that accident, he has insisted on being called "Duckman."
Here’s what happened. Every evening, the scientist would feed the ducks. Well, one day, the food looked funny. However, because this whole thing was an experiment, he gave the food to the ducks anyway. He wanted to see if they would eat it.
Well, must of the ducks refused to eat, but there was one that tried it. The duck hated it. However, the duck appeared to gain supernatural thought processes and supernatural strength. The duck spit out the second piece of food and exclaimed, "Hey you, scientist! Where’s the real food!?"
The scientist was shocked. "You can talk!?"
"Of course I can. But your not going to be able to talk, because I’m going to cram this food into your mouth and see how YOU like it!"
The duck jumped at the man, and both of them fell into the water dish, which was big enough to water all the ducks. The food mixed with the water, and there was an amazing chemical reaction. The water and food mix caused the duck and the scientist to fuse together and become one. He looked like a man with duck feathers and wings, and a bill in place of his mouth and nose, and webbed feet like a duck. He also had super human strength.
Ever since the accident, the duck man has been flying all over the region and helping people in need. He has saved many people who were being mugged, and jumping off bridges. He has insisted that people call him Duckman. If you get into trouble, call for Duckman, and he may come help you. His phone number is 1-800-DUCKMAN. Calls may be monitored for evil doers.

A Dragon and a Picnic

2006-05-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have a couple more stories that I know you'll love. Imagine your favorite newscaster saying this...

"The Boy And His Dragon!"
Outside a small town near the coast of Maine, there is a little boy who claims that he has a pet dragon. This might sound like just an imaginary thing, the people in the nearby town of Petesville, are wondering if he just might be telling the truth. Still others say that he is just good at creating an illusion, and he’s mighty good at it.
You see, in preparation for his family’s Memorial Day picnic, he was practicing making a fire in the fireplace. At first, his family was unimpressed by his efforts. While rubbing two sticks together, he barely got any smoke at all, much less a fire.
However, things changed when he appeared to get frustrated. He turned around and called out, "Hey Fred! Come here and give me a hand!" As he called out, he pointed toward the wood in the fireplace, and stepped aside. Almost immediately, there was a burst of flame and the wood was burning!
In awe, the boy’s father threw water on the fire and said, "Do that again!"
"OK." Said the boy. He pointed at the wood again. "Fred, right there."
Once again, there was a burst of flame, and the wood was burning. After doing it a few more times, the father got so excited, that he began to form a plan. He told everyone around town, and even put advertisements in the newspapers and on the TV for the "boy and his dragon." People came from all over and watched as the "boy and his dragon" burned log after log. Even now, the show continues on. The boy says that he’s glad his father is able to make some money, but he would rather just be able to play with his pet dragon like he used to.
If you want to see this spectacle, you can get more information and directions from their web page, theboyandhisdragon.com.

"Picnic With Aliens!"
Their is a family in Pennsylvania that reports an encounter with aliens during their Memorial Day picnic. They say that as they were about to sit down and eat their meal at their picnic table in a local state park, a flying saucer came and landed nearby. Of course, they report that they stopped and watched with mouths open, wondering what would happen next. As they watched, three aliens exited the ship, and came slowly over to the picnic table.
One alien, who was taller than the others, was apparently the leader. He stepped right over to the father of the family, and looked him right in the eye with a persistent stare. After a few seconds, the father got nervous and asked, "Yes?"
The alien, suddenly realizing that he was making the man nervous, softened his look and sat down. "Well, I was cruising through the galaxy at 4 times the speed of light when this freighter called us. He said that he had just been masquerading a human on the planet Earth. He said that there was this man that had been really nice to him, and invited him over for dinner often. He mentioned you by name."
"Me?!"
"Yes, you. He said that you made the best hamburgers that he had ever tasted in all the galaxy."
"Are you sure? This is really weird."
"Of course I’m sure. Do you remember a man named Fred Smith?"
"Yeah. He went missing a couple of weeks ago. Nobody has been able to find him."
"That’s because he is on his way to the planet Friddle. Anyway, I heard that you made these great hamburgers. I would like to try one."
After the aliens sat and ate with the family, they left in good spirits having discovered that the mother of the family also made the best lemonade they had ever had, and that they loved to play baseball. They promised to return again before the end of the millennium.

Skittles!

2006-05-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's time for some made up news stories with one of our favorite snack foods! OK, so maybe they could never beat out anything with chocolate in it, but skittles are good too. Come on, admit it. You like them too. Well, anyway, imagine your favorite news anchor saying...

"Skittle Dinner"
There’s a fancy cook in New York City who had a huge surprise when he was making the evening meal for the party of a famous businessman, who has requested to remain anonymous. This fancy cook has an assistant. That assistant is the one who surprised the cook, and the surprise was a practical joke.
This assistant came to work with a large bag of Skittles, because he loves Skittles. Well, he realized just how similar the word Skittle was with the word skillet. With that in mind, he decided that his boss was going to get more than he bargained for when he asked for his skillet. You see, the assistant filled the skillet with Skittles. When the cook asked for his skillet, he got a skillet full of Skittles.
The part that makes this such an interesting story, is that the cook didn’t realize it at first. The cook immediately took the skillet to his stove and began to crack eggs into it. When the sound of the eggs hitting the skillet wasn’t the usual sound he heard, he looked closer and noticed the Skittles. He quickly got upset, and demanded an explanation from his assistant. His assistant was so busy laughing, they he never answered. He was fired on the spot.
The famous business man happened to be coming in to check on his dinner plans at that time. He noticed the skillet full of Skittles and a couple of cracked eggs. However, because the cook was still busy yelling at his assistant, the cook had never turned the stove off. The eggs and the Skittles were cooking nicely in the skillet. The curious businessman decided to take a taste of this interesting looking creation, and he loved it. He ordered the cook to serve it.
To the cooks surprise, not only did the businessman love it, but so did his wife. All the other guests at the dinner had mixed reactions, but the businessman gave the cook considerably more money than he was contracted for, and the assistant got his job back. The dinner was a hit for the cook, all because of a practical joke that turned into a masterpiece dinner. Oh, and the businessman’s wife demanded the recipe from him too.

"Alien Snack"
In rural Tennessee, a little boy has reported an interesting event with an alien. His parents have doubted the story, but many of the people in the nearby town of Alienville are riveted by his story. The reason the parents doubt the story is because the child recently saw the movie "E.T." and the events of the story strongly resemble some of the details of the movie. The reason the folks of the town find it so riveting is because some of the details are so different from the movie, they believe it must be true.
The boy says that he was riding his bike home for dinner. He had been at a friends house playing, and his parents called for him to come home. On the way, he noticed a space ship take off from a field. He noticed that there was a figure standing alone in the field, and he had to investigate.
When he approached the figure, it ran away behind a bush at the edge of the field, and it wouldn’t come out. The boy remembered that his friends mom had given him so Skittles to snack on, and he had put some in his pocket to save for later. He took out the Skittles and place them on the ground to lure the figure out. After tasting one, it did follow the trail out from behind the bush, and the boy saw that it was an alien.
The boy asked the alien if he wanted more. The alien nodded yes. The boy gave him some more, and began talking to the alien about the universe. After about ten minutes of sharing the secrets of the galaxy, the alien stopped and looked up. He asked the boy, "Phone home?"
The boy agreed and lent him his cell phone. The alien made a quick call, and the space ship returned within minutes. The two hugged and the alien left with his fellow aliens. Then the boy reached for more of his Skittles and realized that the alien had stolen them. Right then, his cell phone rang. It was the alien, and he bragged to the boy, "Na, na. I got your Skittles! Ahahahahaha!"

The Gardener Vs, the Aliens

2006-05-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

OK, I think it's time for another alien story. Imagine your favorite news caster telling you this story...

In Gardenville, New Jersey, an avid gardener reports a very strange occurrence. Last Saturday, he was out in his garden, planting his new garden for this year. Well, as he was working hard at planting this here and that there, he suddenly noticed a cool breeze that wasn’t there before. He looked up and saw that a small space ship was landing in his back yard.
At first, his reaction was, "No! My lawn! Your going to put ruts in my lawn!" After that, he was astonished to see that the ship was not going to land all the way, but instead hovered a short distance from the ground. He then saw two aliens appear in his lawn, like they had beamed out from their ship like they do on Star Trek.
The two aliens walked over to him and greeted him in perfect English. "Hello earthling friend. We want to congratulate you."
The man was automatically suspicious. "What for?" asked the man.
They responded, "Why, for the award we are going to give you of course."
"Award?" he asked.
"Yes. We are the heads of the interstellar garden committee. It’s our job to look all over the galaxy at every single garden, and award the ones who qualify for various different awards. We try to give out our awards about once every 10 of your years. Well, anyway, it’s that time again, and after searching the whole galaxy, we have determined that you do qualify for one of our awards."
Well, the man reports that at that time, he was feeling really good about himself. After all, he was getting an award that no body else in the galaxy was getting. His heart sank and he got angry when he heard the next words out of their mouths.
"Jasper, give it to him."
"Oh yeah. Here you go. We now award you for having the ugliest of all gardens in the galaxy for ten straight years!"
"WHAT!" the man shouted. "UGLIEST! You came all the way over hear to tell me that my garden was UGLY?!"
"Well, we also wanted to mention to you that your lawn was very well kept, in sharp contrast to your garden. That’s why we couldn’t bear to land on it."
"WHY, YOOOOOUUUUUU!" shouted the man as he chased them with his shovel over his head, ready to swing at them as soon as he caught up with them.
"Well, Jasper, I tried to tell you he would get angry."
And then, just as quickly as they were there, they were gone.

Huh?

2006-04-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

OK, my sister had this thing on her blog about what your birthdate means. I tried mine, and I think it just sounds wierd. I mean, I don't think it sounds like me at all.

***Your Birthdate: December 23***
You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.You're good at so much - you never know what to do.Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.You are destined for a life of travel and fun.
Your strength: Your likeability
Your weakness: You never feel satisfied
Your power color: Bright yellow
Your power symbol: Asterisk
Your power month: May

So that's what I got. Sounds to me like it's just about as reliable as the horoscope in the newspaper, which is to say, not at all. Although, I kind of like that likeability thing.

Easter

2006-04-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hello! Sorry I've been gone so long. I was deeply involved in an evangelistic play at my church where about 40 people responded to the altar call to either ask Jesus intoi their hearts for the first time, or to rededicate themselves to Christ. I've also been very busy with other things including trying to help my younger sister get a vehicle of her very own, and beginning to prepare for a Veggietales event at my church next month. On top of it all, I went back to Pennsylvania to say goodbye to one of my old high school friends who died last week. I'll really miss Darnelle Packard, who knew how to be a friend to just about anyone.

Anyway, I'm back. In response to my sister's request, here are some Easter stories. They could also be classified as "Funny Bunny" stories. The second when is actually a sequel to a previous "Funny Bunny" story. If you've not read it before, you can look through my archives and find it pretty easily. Just look for the Funny Bunny stories and the follosing posts. Back to today's stories! Here they are! Imagine your favorite newscaster saying...

"Bunny Blues"
In Easterville, Missouri, a young child was very upset on Easter morning to find that there was no Easter basket for him. He was even more upset to find out that there were some very full baskets for his siblings. His parents were very confused about this. They told the little boy, who doesn’t want anybody to know his name, that they had met with the Easter Bunny during the night, and they knew that there had been a basket for him. They were totally astounded that there was no basket for him.
Well, as some young children do, he began to cry and was almost ready to start throwing a fit when his father noticed a wrapper on the floor. "Wait a minute!" he said. "What’s this?"
He went over and looked at it, and he also noticed that it wasn’t the only wrapper. In fact, there was a trail of wrappers. The boy exclaimed, "That’s it! Someone stole my basket, and they’re eating my candy!" With that, he cried harder.
As the boy’s mom tried to console him, his father followed the trail to see what he would find. He followed the trail out the back door, and out toward a thicket behind the house. He decided to approach the thicket very slowly and quietly. He gently peered into the thicket where he could easily make out the sound of munching and smacking lips. He saw something that he never would have expected. In that thicket, was a bunny that was eating the boys candy.
Well, the father was really angry. He reached into the thicket quickly and grabbed the bunny by the ears and pulled him out into the open. The bunny, now sluggish from all the candy he had eaten, yelled in surprise at being discovered. The father asked him, "What do you think your doing?"
The bunny, considerably scared in his condition responded hesitantly, "Well, uh, I’m eating my Easter candy. Yeah, that’s it. I’m eating my Easter candy."
"No you’re not. You’re eating my sons Easter candy."
The bunny, realizing his wrong humbly apologized, and confessed that the father was right. As it turns out, the bunny was jealous of human children getting candy on Easter, while a bunny got all the credit for giving it to them, and he never got a single piece. As soon as he was forgiven, the bunny quickly rushed to a supermarket, and bought more candy so that the boy would have his candy. The bunny also promised that he would never do it again.
When everything was done, and the bunny went home, the little boy asked his father, "Daddy, was that the Easter Bunny?"
His dad didn’t have a good answer, and we can only speculate.

"Imposter!"
In Hopsville, Maryland, children were very excited to be meeting the Easter Bunny at the local Wal-Mart. However, it only lasted for a very short period of time. There was one little boy who started asking questions. "How come you’re so short?"
The Easter Bunny responded, "Well, a bunny can only grow so tall you know. We can’t all be six feet tall like they show in the cartoons. That’s just television, and you can’t believe everything that you see on television."
The boy wasn’t satisfied. "I think it’s because you’re not the real Easter Bunny!" The boy leaned in and looked closer. "You’re really the bunny who robbed the store! That’s who you are!"
"Oh come on, that was like six months ago." Suddenly, the bunny realized what he was saying. "Ok, Ok, kid. Now you’ve ruined everything. I’ve been trying to turn over a new leaf and do my best to help the community, and then you had to tell everyone who I am. Yes, that’s right everyone, I’m the infamous Robert Bunny. Yes, I stole all of the cheese in a can from this Wal-mart. There kid, are you happy now. Everybody knows now. Are you happy!"
The child was very quiet. His little lip started to push out and quiver, and tears started to come out of his eyes. "He suddenly yelled out, "I want the Easter Bunny! WAAAAAAH! Where’s the Easter Bunny?!"
Robert Bunny hit his head with his hand and started to look around. He asked, "Now what am I supposed to do?!"
The little boy cried harder.
A police officer started to walk over toward them. "Oh no. Here we go again." said Robert Bunny. He turned and ran away before the officer could get there. The little boy, very distraught, grabbed the officers leg and cried harder.
As it turns out, Robert bunny just can’t stay out of trouble. Police are now asking that you keep you’re eyes open for Robert Bunny. He’s reported to be about 8 to 10 inches tall, wearing a brown fur coat, and he has a white circle around his eye. He may also be dressed up like the Easter Bunny. If you see him, you should call Hopsville police at 555-1234.

Leprechauns and spring.

2006-03-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

OK, I had some trouble with my on-line service for awhile, but now I'm back. I know that St.Patrick's Day was last Friday, but I have this story that I just HAVE to share with you. I also have a spring spinoff story for you, and I'm sure that you'll like that one too. Well, here they are. Imagine your favorite news anchor saying...

"Leprechauns"
In Irish, Iowa, a little boy told his parents a very strange thing about his father’s barn. He said that he had seen leprechauns in that barn. When his parents asked him what he was talking about, he told them this story.
He had been in the barn doing his chores, when he noticed a leprechaun sitting on the shoulder of one of the cows. That leprechaun was saying some very strange things to the cow. He was telling that cow that the farmer and his boy didn’t really like her because they forced to eat grain all the time instead of grass. He also told her that eating daisies would make her head spin. The cow seemed to listen intently, believing every word the leprechaun said.
Well, the boy thought maybe he was hallucinating or something. He tried to remember back to lunch time, wondering if maybe he had eaten some strange mushrooms or something. He splashed his face in the cold water of the drink trough, hoping that would help, but it didn’t. Instead, he saw more leprechauns. They were sitting on the shoulders of all the cows, as well as the shoulders of the chickens, pigs, and goats. Right when he thought that he must be going crazy, he looked to one side and noticed that there was one sitting on his shoulder as well. "Hello there young man! I thought you would never look this way." said the leprechaun. The boy screamed and ran to the house where he told his parents the story.
His parents didn’t believe him at first, and accused him of telling outlandish stories that simply could not be true. Then, they heard a clatter on the back porch. When they went out there, they met a leprechaun standing next to a pot of gold. "Hello there! This gold is for you!" said the leprechaun. All three of them fainted, and when they woke up, the leprechauns were gone. However, the gold was still there.
Although all of them have told the same story to many people, nobody seems to believe them. Most people are suggesting that they just found the gold when they were digging out a basement on one of the working hand’s houses. At any rate, that family is now much richer, and they credit the leprechauns that no one can find.

"Spring Boy!"
In Slinky, Maine, there is a very confused little boy. He is very young, and he is just learning the difference between the four seasons. When his parents mentioned that spring is coming, he thought that he knew exactly what they were talking about. He responded, "Where? I don’t see a spring anywhere."
His parents tried to explain to him that they were talking about the season that comes after winter, when the weather begins to warm up, and the snow begins to melt. This young boy, although he tried to understand, just couldn’t figure it out.
To his parents great surprise, the boy did something interesting and creative the next day. They didn’t think anything of it while the little boy joined his dad in the garage while he worked on the car. The little boy often joined his dad, but always stayed back so that he wouldn’t get in the way or get hurt. This particular day though, the boy got looking around his dad’s garage and noticed to very large springs, and some rope. Without much hesitation, the boy grabbed the rope and the springs and tied the springs to the bottoms of his feet.
As the boy started jumping up and down on the springs, he began to shout, "Springs are coming! Springs are coming!" He bounced on those springs in a vigorous manner, and he was soon not only bouncing out of the garage, but down the street. His father began to run after him, but he just couldn’t catch up.
As the boy bounced down the quiet street, he began to jump harder. He wanted to see how high he could go. Within a few bounces, he was higher than most of the trees around him. He quickly got scared when he realized that he was bouncing over house tops. He tried to slow down, but the springs just kept on bouncing him. In desperation, he reached down and pulled the knots out of the ropes, and landed on top of a house across town.
The people who lived in the house came running out when they heard the big thump on their roof. When they saw that there was a little boy on their roof, they called 911, and the fire fighters came to help the boy down. Because the little boys parents had also called 911 when they couldn’t catch up with the bouncing springs, the policemen and fire fighters knew where to take him. He was soon reunited with his family.
When asked if the boy had enjoyed the ride on the springs, the boy said, "Yes, but I’ll never do that again!"

Seasonal Santa

2006-03-12T14:27:00.000-08:00

Recently, my son told me that he only believed in Santa claus on Christmas. When I asked him if he believed in Santa the rest of the year (Just to make sure I understood him right) he said no. So that got me thinking. What would it be like if Santa really did exist for only one day a year? What would that be like? I think it might be something like this............. At the stroke of Midnight, something changes at the North Pole. All year long, the elves and Mrs. Clause are working hard to get ready for Christmas. They make toys, and hot chocolate, and Christmas cookies and so on. But at midnight on Christmas eve, everything changes with a flash of light. In his chair, Santa Claus suddenly appears. Because he has a lot to do, and so small an amount of time, he has to hurry. The elves have everything that he needs all ready for him by his chair. First, before he can leave, he has to check the list twice. It's a long list, so he gets started immediately, and he takes about thirty minutes checking the list before he gets frustrated and shouts, "Forget the list! I have work to do, and I've got to get started!" He immediately rushes to put on his suit, and runs as fast as a fat Santa can run, to get to the sleigh that is all ready and waiting for him. I could go through every detail of his take off and everything, but you can go read other stories for that kind of detail. Of course, he rushes quickly to make sure he can get to every house on his list that he checked 1 and a half times before morning. Being that he only had about 6 hours for every time zone, he had to go really fast. At about 8 or 9 AM North Pole time, Santa returns, very tired. I mean, he had to hurry. Being that Mrs. Claus hasn't seen her husband all year, she is anxiously waiting for the arrival of her husband, who finally has a chance to rest. After a quick debriefing from the head elf about what they want to do for the next year, it's off to lunch. Between lunch and dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Clause get some serious alone time. After all, Mrs. clause hasn't seen him for a year. This has always met some slight frustration from Mr. Clause, because to him, it feels like he only just saw her yesterday. In reality, he just ceased to exist for a year. Anyway, after about 6 hours of alone time, they have dinner, and Mr. Clause has to sleep. After all, he has to wake up at about 11:45 so he can sit in his chair to disappear for another year. He has to sleep sometime. At midnight on Christmas night, there are always tears from Mrs. Clause and some sad goodbyes. The elves and Mrs. Clause are always reminiscing about the days when Santa was always there. But now, thanks to the rule that Santa has to live forever, the elves are stuck with using the yearly disappearing chair to make sure that he doesn't age more than a day after one year. Of course that means that a year to Santa is more like 365 years to us. It also means that Santa gets Christmas for everyday that he exists. That means a lot of delivering presents, a lot of alone time with Mrs. Claus, and lots of cookies and milk. To Mrs. Claus, that's a raw deal. She only gets one day a year with her husband while he watches her age a year in a day, while always wishing she had more time with her husband. How many years willl it take before she starts thinking of being a naughty girl herself, by seeking out the elf who came up with this crazy idea. Before long, I think she would probably be glad to have her husband all year and be on the naughty list, without getting any presents, rather than put up with this aweful nightmare, year after year. So, let's ask the elves. Whose idea was this anyway?

Demands!

2006-02-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Demand once again persuades me to post more stories. Here are some stories that I wrote for the class for the night that the County Sheriff came and talked to the kids. Just imagine once again that your favorite newscaster said this...

"Alien Caught Speeding!"
Outside a small town in western New York, a police officer was just doing his routine speed control with his radar gun, when he caught a most unusual looking person speeding. The police officer quickly went after to him to pull him over. Thankfully for the officer, the person pulled right over. However, when the officer approached the car, he realized that it wasn’t really a person after all. In that car, he reports to us that he saw a little green man with blue antennas.
Not wanting to make a huge scene, the officer simply began his regular routine for a pullover. "Can I see you license and registration please?"
The alien responded, "Um, which license do you want to see? If you want my drivers license, well, I don’t have one of those. But, I do have an interstellar license for travel over light speed."
"Sir, do you have the registration for this car?"
"Well, I don’t know for sure. This isn’t my car. Actually, this isn’t even my planet."
"What’s your name sir?"
"Well, you won’t be able to pronounce it, but you can call me Frable."
"Frable, I’m going to need you to step out of the car."
The police officer did get Frable out of the car, and he began to search through the glove compartment for the registration, when he came across a very unusual device. He picked it up, and accidentally pushed a button on it. Suddenly, he found himself in a very unusual place. He soon decided that he was on a space ship.
"Wow. It’s just like Star Trek."
The thing about this story that makes it hard to believe is what happened next. The officer pushed the button again and found himself back on earth. However, not only was the alien gone, but so was the car and the device that was in his hands moments before. Some have wondered if this really happened. They have accused the officer of making up some very strange stories. But that’s not his job is it? That’s my job.

"Donut Grows and Explodes!"
In upstate New York, a police officer entered a new Tim Horton’s restaurant and witnessed a very strange chain of events. He tells us that when he entered, there was a racket in the back. He asked if everything was OK, when suddenly the head baker chased the manager out a wooden spoon shouting, "How am I supposed to make the donuts if you don’t order the ingredients? What am I supposed to do, take money from the drawer and go shop at Tops Friendly Markets? You have done this to me too many times. This time, I will use my own ingredients!"
The baker returned to the back, and the police officer took a moment to talk to the manager as everyone calmed down. Suddenly, the baker returned with a small donut. He threw it at the manager and said, "Here, try this donut!"
The manager caught the donut, but he didn’t dare taste it. While he stood there, wondering what to do, he noticed that the donut was starting to grow. Realizing how dire the situation would soon become, the officer grabbed the donut and ran outside with it. He wasn’t sure what would happen next, so just set it down and watched. The donut grew and grew until it was just about as big as his police car. Suddenly, the donut burst and spread crumbs in every direction with a loud boom.
At this time, the mess is still being cleaned up, and the baker has been arrested and charged. No more details are available at this time, but we will pass on any information to you as soon as we get it.

Valentine stories

2006-02-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

Well, my sister wants Valentine stories. As it turns out, I have already written two for the children's curriculum. what a coincidence. It probably is not what you wanted oh sister of mine, but enjoy it anyway. Start by imagining your favorite newscaster saying...

"A Dragon in the Street!"
In the small town of Fantasy, Iowa, village citizens couldn’t believe their eyes. Some said they felt like they were in a fairy tale, or that they must have been dreaming. In the evening, a fuss started in the local theater. People ran out of the theater yelling that there was a dragon. Indeed, soon afterward, a dragon did burst out of the building holding onto a woman who looked like she was from the 5th century or so. The dragon quickly turned around in the street and faced back toward the theater where a knight in shining armor came following.
When the knight realized where he was, he stopped and lifted his visor. "Oh my. Where are we? This does not look like England. For that matter, it doesn’t look like any place I’ve ever seen on earth."
The woman shouted out to him, "Who cares? You have to save me!"
"And I will my love. Even if I have to slay the dragon in this strange land, and sell it’s hide to be able to return to England, I will save you!"
At that comment, the dragon looked a little upset and perturbed. It looked to one of the people cowering on the street. "Excuse me, sir, but do you think that this man will be able to sell my hide to anyone around here? For that matter, do you think he could even get close enough to kill me and take my hide? I think not!"
The man on the street didn’t answer, but only ran away in terror. The knight felt to respond though.
"Hey, do you think these strange people in this strange land care at all about our quarrel. You only waste your time with words."
"So you’ve said before, but you only waste your time with threats and pathetic attempts at violence to save your believed damsel in distress. You’ve tried to rescue her now for weeks. There’s nothing that you can do to me to make me set her down. However, if you ask nicely, I just might let her go."
"Really, you would do that? Please will you let my beloved lady go."
The dragon quickly but gently set her down. "There you go."
The lady shouted, "My hero!" as she embraced her lover in a long kiss.
After a while, the knight looked back to the dragon. "While we are on such nice terms, can you tell me how we can get back to England?"
"Sure. Actually, let me show you. We have to go back into this building and walk through this movie screen…"
"Excuse me dragon. What’s a "movie screen?"
"Never mind, just follow me."
With that, the dragon and the two people from the 5th century or so disappeared into the building, and nobody has seen them since.

"Cupid Misses!"
Outside the small town of Lovely, Pennsylvania, a farmer says that he met Cupid. While going about his business on the farm, he noticed the short man with a bow and arrow aiming his arrow at the farmer’s cow.
"Hey what are you doing?" asked the farmer right as the man was about to fire. In fact, the man did fire, but he was so startled that he missed the cow, and hit a chicken afar off.
The short man said to the farmer, "Well, I was going to make your best two cows fall in love, but you startled me and I missed. I already shot that cow over there, but now I have also shot your chicken. Now, your cow and your chicken will fall in love. Do you have any idea how hard it will be to reverse this and do it right. It’s going to take me weeks to appeal this to the high Cupid, and he will have to review the case, and then it ill take two more days of paperwork before they can issue me a reversal arrow. By that time, your cow will probably be engaged to the chicken! And all of this is because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. You just had to yell at me didn’t you. Really, I don’t understand humans."
With that, the short man walked around the barn and the farmer never saw him again. He did keep an eye on the chicken and the cow though. Although the two never kissed, they sure did spend a lot of time together for a few weeks, when they suddenly had a fight and turned their backs to each other.
Most people have said that they think the farmer is crazy, and that he spends to much time driving his tractor in the summer sun. The farmer however, swears that he saw Cupid.

Purple monsters and mad snowmen.

2006-01-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you turned on the evening news and you heard stories like these.

"Purple Tree Eater!"
There are reports coming from the wilderness of the state of Washington, of a strange creature. Many have heard of Bigfoot sightings, but now we have heard of Purple Tree Eater sightings. The first sighting was about ten miles from the little town of Hungry Man, Washington. A man was trying to do some hunting with no luck, and then he saw it. A large purple creature was walking through the forest just pulling branches gently from the trees. He gathered all the branches in his arms according to our anonymous witness. As he watched the creature looked right at him and smiled.
After a few minutes of gazing at him, the creature walked right over to him and sat down with his armful of tree branches. The creature picked one branch and held it out to the man. Unsure what to do, the man reached out and took the branch, holding it with two arms. The purple creature then picked out another branch and held it up to his mouth. The creature began doing something that the man never expected. It licked all the bark off of the branches with a very rough tongue, and then slowly bit pieces off of the branch with big teeth, eating it slowly as if to savor it.
Without warning, the creature suddenly jumped up and spit a piece out. "White pine! I hate White Pine. Other flavors of pine are good, but not White Pine. I also like Maple, and Cherry branches, but White Pine is no good."
The creature then walked away, leaving the man flabbergasted at this experience. After telling his story, people all over the state started to report that they were seeing purple objects moving amongst the trees. None of them however have told quite an interesting tale of this creature. The media is calling it the "One-eyed, one-horned, purple tree-eater." If you see the Purple Tree Eater, we urge you to contact your local Police Station.

Second Story:
"Snowmen Picket News Station!"
In Buffalo, New York, there has been an unprecedented reaction to the local weather mans report of upcoming weather. It’s not unusual for people to complain about the weather report. People do it all the time. But how often do we see the local snowmen actively protest the weather?
The report for later this month included what is called the January thaw. This is the time in January where the temperatures rise from their usually frigid numbers to the temperatures where the snow and ice begin to melt. When the snowmen heard that the January thaw was coming soon, they quickly banded together and made sings to protest it. They went directly to the nearest TV station with a weather man, and began their picket. They had signs that read, "No warmer temperatures!" and "No January thaw!" as well as "Snow and Ice forever!" The snowmen have devoted themselves wholly to this strike, saying they will keep picketing until the weather man apologizes, or until they melt, whichever comes first.
Around noon the other day, they became a bit unruly. When the police showed up, they were threatened that they had better calm down, or the police were going to call in the fire company to spray them with the water hoses. This made them very upset, but when the firemen actually arrived, they all turned and ran away. They have not yet returned, but a spokesman for the snowmen vowed that they would return soon.

That's right!

2006-01-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, you know things are good in college football. I heard a radio jockey comment on it. He said that the bowl games for the past two nights are proof that there is something right in american sports. I must agree, especially when I consider the Orange Bowl that was played Tuesday night. You know things are good when Penn State defeats Florida State 26-23 in triple overtime at the Orange Bowl! Now that's a great football game! THAT'S RIGHT! PENN STATE IS BACK BABY!

Winter stories

2005-12-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a couple stories that I wrote for the children's curriculum, so once again, imagine your favorite newscaster saying...

"Snowman Saves the Day!"
In Snow River, Iowa, a very unusual thing happened to some bullies. As they were threatening to beat up a little boy for not giving them his milk money, a stranger stepped between them. The unusual thing about this is that the stranger was not a person, but a snowman. The snowman leaned right into the lead bully’s face and said, "Back off! Pick on someone your own size!"
The bullies, not wanting to be afraid of a pile of snow with a carrot and several pieces of coal, quickly surrounded the snowman. The snowman knew what he had to do. He grabbed one of the sticks that made up his arms with his other arm, and fought them all off. One by one, each bully quickly gave in when the were lashed very hard by the thin stick, several times each. One was heard yelling "Mommy! Help! Mommy!" as he ran away. There were several witnesses to the boy running and yelling, but by the time anyone realized that the boy was running from the area of the snowman, all they saw was a little boy hugging the snowman which was no longer moving and looked like the average snowman. Although nobody believed the little boy at first, the bullies soon confessed that it was true to their own shame. The snowman was given a metal to wear around his neck and a freezer to live in during the summer as a reward for his good deed.

"Interstellar Snowball Fight!"
In a small town outside of Evansville, Indiana, some local boys reported an unusual sight during their snowball fight. As they were launching snowballs from one snow fort to another, they saw some unusual lights in the sky around them. They then saw two flying saucers land in a nearby field. Little green men came from one of the flying saucers and little purple man from the other and they approached the boys. Although the boys were afraid at first, the soon calmed when one of the aliens asked, "Can we fight too? We have been arguing about which of our peoples is going to rule the galaxy. However, we agree that we don’t want to blow each other up because we want to have the other people as slaves. We want to resolve it in your snow ball fight. Can we join you?"
The boys looked at each other and shrugged. "OK" they said. Well, the green went to one fort and the purple to the other, and they fought with the boys and each other, putting their whole hearts into the battle. One of the green men hit a purple man in the head with a snowball that had a stone in it. "Hey!" shouted the purple aliens. "That’s against the rules! You can’t do that! You lose because you were cheating!"
The green men shouted, "No way! We’ve hit far more of your guys than you have hit of ours. How could you possibly win? We won’t give up!"
The purple shouted back, "You must give up and become our slaves because you cheated!"
The Green men started running to their ships and shouted back over their shoulders, "You have to catch us first! Bet you’ll never catch up! You can’t even get your ships to go faster then 12 light years per minute! By the time we reach the planet Glorp, you’ll still be stuck in the Pleep Nebula!"
The purple men were so upset, that they all ran to their ship and chased them out of the area. The boys however, were amazed to have been able to throw snowballs at aliens and lived to tell about it.

Tagged again?

2005-12-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

OK, my sister really seems to enjoy tagging me. This time, she wants me to list five wierd habits of mine. I'm a little stuck though. What constitutes weird? I was joking around on her web site about her superhero that her superhero picks lint off her belly button, but I don't even really think that's all that weird. I mean, sometimes I have to pick lint off my belly button, and it doesn't feel weird to me. But this all leads me to an even deeper question. You see, my sister says that I'm a dork. But can dorks be weird without then ceasing to be a dork, because now your weird instead? Or, is it one of those things that you might be able to do at the same time if you are really well coordinated? Well, I hope someone gives me a really deep answer for my deep questions, because I don't think I can go on with this assignment without these questions answered. I'm a very needy person, as you can tell. So, whose going to answer?

Narnia

2005-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

The new Narnia movie, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" TOTALLY ROCKS! I highly recommend it to just about anyone and everyone over the age of five. Although the movie embellished from the book in some places, and left some other parts from the book out, it kept the core message of the book. If you liked the book, you'll love the movie. If you've never read the book, I highly recommend it and all of the Chronicles of Narnia books. And, I highly recommend this movie. By the way, did I mention that this movie TOTALLY ROCKS!

Beware the Man Eating Duck!

2005-12-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

Recently, my oldest son told me about a dream that he had. He said that he dreamed about being chased by a duck that was trying to eat him. Last I knew, it was supposed to be the other way around. People eat ducks, and ducks don't eat people. That is until now. Try ro imagine...

Karl was sitting in the city park on another beautiful day. He liked to feed the ducks when they come by. Well, this day, as he was feeding the ducks from the park bench by the pond, one of the ducks spit the bread back out at him. It looked at Karl and said, "Aflac! I hate bread. I'm sick and tired of bread. You look pretty tasty on the other hand."
The duck charged Karl and he turned and ran away, dropping the bread on the ground, and yelling at the top of his lungs. He never knew that ducks talked first of all, and neither had he ever known that a duck could develop an appetite for humans.
The duck pursued him without mercy. It yelled out "Quack!" and sometimes, "Aflac!" When the duck finally caught up with him, the duck got the heel of shoe and tripped him up. He turned and looked at the duck as it crouched over him. He was terified. He did NOT want to become duck food. The duck stared him in the eye as he put his webbed foot on Karl's neck to hold him down. The duck then leaned right over into Karl's face and said, "When I'm done with you, you're going to need health insurance that pays cash. Before I chew up your face, could I interest you in a policy with AFLAC?

Pyramids

2005-11-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today, my five year old son Jonathan said something while we were traveling a three hour trip for a family get together. It came out of the blue, and it's really quite funny. He said, "Pyramids have waterslides." I have no idea where he would have gotten that idea, but can you imagine...Ancient Egypt...

The Egyptian slave driver cracked his whip. "Come on slave, I want this pyramid done today!" They only had about 2 bricks to put in and they would be done, but they were big bricks.

The slave looked up and said "Yessir." He and his fellow slaves tried to work harder.

The slave driver continued. "I bet you think that you all will be done when you get these two bricks into place. Well, you're wrong. Pharoah has asked for a new feature on this one. You will only put in one brick, and then we will install a ladder on the inside leding up to the hole in the wall. Then, you will all dig a well on the inside. I don't care how deep you have to go, we must have water."

All the slaves groaned. One spoke up. "Are you nuts? We will have to dig for three months before we even find enough water to make a mud pie. Maybe you haven't realized, but we are in the desert."

"I don't care. What Pharoah wants, Pharoah gets. If it takes three months, it takes three months. After you hit water, you will then install a pump with a pipe leading to the hole at the top of the pyramid."

"What? I don't think we have that kind of technology. I think we'll have to wait centuries before we figure out how to do that."

"Then you'll have to be creative. After that, you will install a piece of plastic going from the hole at the top, all the way down the outside of the pyramid, until it gets to the bottom, where we will install an in-ground pool to land in."

"What?" The slave looked to the slave next to him. "Did you understand that?" The other slave shook his head. The first slave looked back to the slave driver. "What's plastic, and what is an in-ground pool?"

The slave driver held his hand to his forehead and shook his head all at once. "Never mind. We''ll take it one step at a time. Just do as I tell you."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three years later, after the water slide is finally complete, Pharoah comes to try it out. The slaves stand nearby and watch as Pharoah climbs the ladder, hands off his head piece, and slides down the waterslide belly first. Pharoah squeals with delight as he quickly approaches the pool at the bottom. After he hits the water with the biggest splash any Egyptian has ever seen, the slaves become jealous. The same slave that had questioned the project before approaches his slave master. "Hey, do you think we could try it?"

"No! Slaves cannot be seen having fun with the Pharoah of Egypt. If you are not working for him, you must bow down and worship him. That's what slaves do."

The slave turns back to the others. "See, I told you he wouldn't let us. Let's go guys!"

All the slaves rushed as a huge mob into the pyramid, knocking over slave drivers and royalty alike. Without stopping, they all climbed the ladder in a huge line, and dove down the water slide and into the pool, shouting with delight the whole way. Each time a slave got out of the water, they were promptly grabbed and bound. By the time the last slave got out, half the water from the pool was in the surrounding sand.

Pharoah scolded them all personally. To the sdlaves he said, "Fools! Do you have any idea how much gold you have wasted by splashing out all my water? You will not have food for three weeks!"

To the slave drivers he said, "Incompetent! That is what you all are. You're fired! All of you go home."

The slaves realized that all of a sudden, there was no one to force them to do anything. All the slave drivers were just fired. "We're free! Everyone back to the waterslide!"

And so, the cycle started all over again. As soon as they got out of their ropes, they were off for the waterslide.

New Title

2005-11-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

OK, I've changed the title of my blog. As I thought about it, I don't think that I have used my blog quite the way that I originally intended, so I thought it needed a new title. I thought that I was getting some good reviews on my stories, so I thought that I would make more stories and mix some other things in with it; thus the title: Crazy Fiction and More. Stay tuned for another story soon...or maybe something else.

Back by popular demand!

2005-11-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well, my sister appears to be amused by my stories. I'll share more. Here's a couple that go along with Thanksgiving, in the same style and format as my previous stories. Imagine your favorite newscaster saying...

"Wild Turkey Fights Back!"
In a quiet forest near Plymouth, Massachusetts, a hunter encountered a very unusual turkey the other day. The hunter had been following the turkey very slowly and as quietly as he could. However, he tells us that the turkey disappeared behind a large rock for a very long time. When he followed to see where it had gone, he discovered instead that it had prepared an ambush. The turkey held a sharp stone in it’s foot and cut a piece of rope as soon as the hunter looked over the rock. Immediately the hunter was overcome by a large amount of pine cones and pebbles that flew out off of the catapult that the turkey had prepared. The weight of the great mass knocked him out.
You might think to yourself that this turkey was pretty smart, but you don’t know the whole story. He’s smarter than you think. He knew that smart hunters don’t hunt alone. The hunter did indeed have a hunting body that came looking for him when the fellow didn’t come to meet him. He did eventually find his hunting buddy, but he also found one of the most unusual situations heard of. He noticed his buddy covered with pine cones and pebbles, with a message scratched into the dirt nearby. After checking to make sure his friend was still alive and OK, he read the message scratched in the ground. It said, "Take your friends this message. Don’t mess with us turkeys." He then noticed the turkey look over the top of the rock. He saw something then that nobody has ever seen before. That turkey held a gun in it’s foot. It was the very same gun that his buddy had been hunting with. The turkey aimed for the hunter’s feet and shouted, "Gobble, gobble, gobble! Dance!" The turkey began shooting while the hunter danced. The first hunter was startled awake by the gunshots. He got up and ran away, leaving his buddy behind. His buddy soon followed however, because the turkey ordered him to run and chased him away with a great shout. "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

"Turkey Avoids Cutting Block!"
In a barn not far from Plymouth, Massachusetts, a turkey outwitted a local farmer. Farmer Williams was looking forward to having a big turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner. He had fed his turkey well, and this day was the time to get his turkey ready for the meal. The turkey had inside sources however, that warned him ahead of time what the farmer would do. So when Farmer Williams approached the turkey, he didn’t just turn and run. He had a plan. Instead of running, he demanded his freedom. We interviewed Farmer Williams, and he told us that the turkey had tied up all the other animals and was holding them for ransom. The ransom price was his freedom.
At first, the farmer was in no mood to play games, so he lunged for the turkey and dragged it to the cutting block. The turkey however, had tied each animal to a line that he held. When the farmer swung his hatchet to cut off his head, he nearly missed as the turkey yanked the duck’s head to the cutting block. On the second swing, it happened again, except this time, it was the farmer’s prize goose. Farmer Williams, rattled by the near loss of his prize goose, finally gave in to the turkey’s demands. The turkey, nervous that the farmer would not keep his word, went to the nearest city and got a ride in the first cab he could flag down. The turkey has not been seen since.

Alien stories.

2005-11-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

Due to my sister's curiosity in things I have written that are similar to hers, I have decided to share some alien stories. (Obviously, that's because she writes alien stories too. Mostly Star Trek.) Anyway, here are three stories in the same fashion as before, written like a news story. Imagine your favorite news caster saying this...

"Ships Found Floating in the Ocean!"
Off the coast of Bermuda the other night, vacationers on a cruise ship reported that they had seen some strange lights in the sky. Upon hearing those reports, the captain of the ship was said to have muttered something about the Bermuda Triangle, and then ordered everyone away from him. In the morning, those same passengers from the night before awoke to see three ancient ships floating off the port bow. They reported this to the captain also, who already knew of their existence. He told passengers that he intended to go and explore the ships. He found them to be very interesting, because there appeared to be nobody on them. After he and a couple crew members boarded the closest ship, the searched it from top to bottom. One crew member noted that the name of the ship was Nina. While the captain thought he remembered that name from somewhere in history, the names of the other two boats were reported to be the Pinta and the Santa Maria. While the captain pondered this, a crew member with him noticed a piece of paper on the deck. He reached down and picked it up, and as he read it, he got a very bewildered look on his face. The Captain noticed, and grabbed the paper from him. It’s reported that the color drained from the captains face as he read out loud these words; "We are from the planet Fropple. We came years ago and grabbed these specimens from your seas. Although we found that your food was tasty, and your people made good pets, we found no good use for the pieces of wood with sails. Being that we were cruising through your part of the galaxy again, we decided to drop them off to you. By the way, the pet who insists on calling himself Christopher Columbus keeps bothering me to ask you to save him, he can’t take it anymore. There, I asked maybe now he will be quiet." With that, the Coast Guard was called in to get the ships, and the President ordered NASA to start planning a rescue for the national hero stuck in space.

"Unplanned Concert in Columbus!"
In Columbus, Ohio, citizens of the city were awakened in the middle of the night to Elvis Presley music. Those who were aothered enough to get out of their beds and look out the window saw a strange sight. They reported seeing a UFO hovering over the city with a huge TV screen in tow. On that screen, was Elvis Presley, singing his music. When the screen changed to show a picture of the audience, they saw many little green men and women shouting and going wild. Some reported to have seen the word "LIVE" printed in the corner of the screen. There were some so fascinated by what they saw, that they forgot all about sleeping, and got their chairs to watch the show, enjoying many classics such as "Blue Suede Shoes" and "You Aint Nothing but a Hound Dog!" After the concert, Mr. Presley was reported to have addressed the people of Earth saying, "Thank you. Thank you very much. I love it here. Mr. Columbus is still crying for his mommy, but I don’t wanna leave. When you come to rescue him, leave me behind."

"Snow in Miami!"
Today the people of Miami had a huge surprise near dawn. When they looked out the windows, they saw snow on the ground. Many people went into the snow, amazed because they had never seen snow, or because snow doesn’t belong in Miami, Florida. At first, meteorologists were very confused trying to understand why there was such a great drop in temperature, and about 6 inches of snow covering Miami. However, those flying airplanes that morning saw what the cause was. A flying saucer was hovering over Miami. The interesting about this flying saucer is that it appeared to have an engine that let off very cold air and, of all things, snow. Scientists quickly became curious what kind of fuel a flying saucer could use that would create cold air and snow. However, when attempts to contact the ship were made, it suddenly sped up and out of the atmosphere. In the meantime, as temperatures quickly went up in Miami, residents made the most of their very first snow day, throwing snow balls and making forts as quickly as they could before it all melted away. One person from the Miami Dolphins football team was quoted by a reporter to have said, "Yea, I’ve seen this before. It looks like Buffalo. OK, I don’t want to talk anymore. Bad memories."

Tagged

2005-11-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

OK, my sister knows that I read her blog, so she tagged me with this funny MeMe thing as she calls it. I don't really know exactly what that means, but I get the idea. Anyway, here it is.

The One with Three

Three names I go by:
1. Cliff Slater
2. Young Cliff (My bosses name is also Cliff, so I'm Young Cliff, and he's Big Cliff. He doesn't like being called Old Cliff.)
3. Honey

Three screen names I have had:
1. Sorry, I only have one. Cliff

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. Big chest muscles. Ha ha!
2. Big arm muscles. Ha ha!
3. Big mouth muscles. Ha... owe wait, never mind.

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. Belly
2. Belly
3. Belly

Three parts of my heritage:
1. German
2. Scottish
3. Bradford County,PA

Three things that scare me:
1. God
2. God
3. No I mean it. I'm determined to fear God and Him only.

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Mushy stuff with my wife.

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. Newsboys
2. Michael W. Smith
3. White Heart

Three of my favorite songs:
1. Be Thou My Vision (OK, it's a hymn, but it's still a kind of song.)
2. Joy [Newsboys]
3. Take My Hands (Praises)[Newsboys]

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Communication
2. Genuine Care
3. Sex (We are talking about a marriage relationship, right?)

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
I'll let you decide what's what.
1. Satan loves you.
2. Jesus died for the forgiveness of your sins.
3. The sky is blue, at least from this side.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
1. My wife's upper body.
2. My wife's middle body.
3. My wife's lower body. (Hey, marital bias IS good.)

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. Baseball
2. Reading
3. Goofing off.

Three things I want to do really badly right now:
1. talk to someone I email in person
2. Eat a whole bunch of food with suger in it. (OK, it's a weakness.)
3. I'm sorry, this last one is x-rated, but at least it involves my wife.

Three careers I've considered:
1. Children's Pastor
2. Gas station manager (rejected)
3. Bus driver. I wait, I am a bus driver.

Three Places I want to vacation:
1. Slaterville, Connecticut (Yeah, it's a real place.)
2. Hawaii
3. Oh, just pick a place I haven't gone to yet.

Three kid's names I like:
Boys names:
1. Tani
2. Jonathan
3. Daniel
Girls Names:
1. Emily
2. Elizabeth
3. Jennifer

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Celebrate 100 years of marriage.
2. Celebrate my 120th birthday.
3. Experience world wide revival.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:
1. I fell in love with a smashingly gorgeous woman.
2. I like spending time with her.
3. I don't ask for directions. (But that's because I already know how to get there, and I seldom get lost. Just ask my wife. I know she will vouch for me.)

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
OK, this must be a trick question. I am not like any girl I know, and I know this because I can't understand any of them.

Three celeb crushes:
Sorry. I don't do crushes. I love my wife, and my wife only. (marital bias IS good.)

Three people I would like to see post this meme:Going to be nice just like my sister and just tag one person. Fluke Starbucker, you thought you would get off easy? Not today. You're it. :)

Sequel

2005-10-31T19:26:00.000-08:00

OK, I got some inspiration from my good friend Cindy. Now, here is the sequel to my second Funny Bunny story. I'm sure you will all like it.

"Rat Becomes a Copy-Cat!"
In Hopsville, Maryland, workers at the local Wal-Mart found themselves in a very familiar situation. Just a couple months ago, they were robbed of their canned carrots by Robert Bunny. Now they have Justin Rat, who was a witness in the Robert Bunny case, who has held up their store. Justin Rat was said to have entered Wal-Mart the same way that Robert Bunny did, using a similar gun, and making a similar demand. However, this time, Justin Rat didn’t want carrots. He demanded that the workers hand over all the cheese. The lady behind the Help Desk happened to be the same one who was there when Robert Bunny held up the store. She informed reporters that she told Mr. Rat, "I’m sorry. Just like we don’t have carrots, we also don’t have cheese. You should have been paying attention when Mr. Bunny did this before. Just like I told him, you need to go to a Wal-Mart Super-center to get cheese. This is just a small Wal-Mart. We only carry just a few dairy products." After settling for cheese-in-a-can, Justin Rat fled the store quickly before police could get there. The police searched all the garbage cans and quiet alleys in the town without finding him. Justin Rat is about 6 inches tall, wears a black coat of fur, and has a patch over one eye. If you see Justin Rat, you are encouraged to call 911, and do not try to confront him. He is considered to be armed and dangerous.

Fictional Funny Bunny

2005-10-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

OK, nobody wants to read a blog about how you're just too busy to post, so I'm going to give you all something interesting to read. Here are two stories I made up about Funny Bunny, Robert Bunny. They have been written in a newscast format so that maybe you could imagine you're favorite nescaster reading this story on TV. I think you'll love it. Here goes!

"Bunny robs Wal-mart!"
Robert Bunny has been accused of robbing the local Wal-Mart store in Hopsville, Maryland. Witnesses say that he entered the store very quietly and looked around cautiously before pulling a machine gun out from his fur coat. He demanded the lady at the Customer Assistance desk to call for one of the workers to get all the carrots in the store and put them in his bag that he had brought with him. The Lady calmly informed the Bunny that they didn’t carry any kind of carrots. Later, she told reporters that she said to Mr. Bunny, "To get carrots, you need to go to a Wal-Mart Super Center. This is just a small store. We don’t have any fresh vegetables." After settling for canned carrots, Mr. Bunny fled the store quickly. Police searched his rabbit hole, but didn’t find him. He’s reported to be about 8 to 10 inches tall, wearing a brown fur coat, and he has a white circle around his eye. He’s believed to be armed and dangerous. (Especially to those with carrots.) If you should see Mr. Bunny, you are advised to call 911 immediately to give his exact location. Do not try to confront him.

"Bunny Sets New Record for the Books!"
For weeks now, police have been searching for Robert Bunny, who is accused of robbing the Hopsville Wal-Mart of all their canned carrots. Well, the other day, they got a break in the case. Local property owners noticed a bunny on the sidewalk in downtown Hopsville, jumping on top of a can of carrots. Immediately, the police were called. While waiting for police to arrive, one resident reports hearing the bunny yell out in frustration, "What good is a can of carrots if I can’t open the can!" He appeared to jump on the can all the harder after that, until he heard the sound of sirens. When he saw that the police were after him, he abandoned the can of carrots and ran as fast as he could down Main Street. The chase that followed has been reported to be one of the fastest high speed chases that police in Hopsville have ever experienced, often exceeding 100 miles per hour. In fact, after leaving the town limits, Robert Bunny went running past a State Police officer who was trying to give directions to some people from Guinness Book of World Records. Hearing that the bunny was heading his way, he got out his radar gun and clocked him at 115 miles per hour while the Record Book people stood watching. They were so impressed by the speed of the bunny, that they created a new page in the next book devoted to the highest speed for bunnies in high speed car chases. Unfortunately, Robert Bunny will not have a chance to enjoy his fame. The police finally cornered him in a dead end alley in Pittsburgh, and were able to take him into custody. What price will Robert Bunny have to pay for his crimes? We will find out at his court date soon.

Busy again.

2005-10-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

OK, I know it's been a while since I posted, again. it seems that I have been so crazy busy, that I don't have time to do much on line at all. For all of this week up to last night we have had special meetings at our church with a brother from Toronto named Guy Chevreau. We had never had him at our church before, so we didn't know what to expect. However, we have all been impacted by the insights he has into scripture. We will likely not look at life the same again. I also wouldn't be surprised if my pastor were to ask him to come again. I would look forward to it for sure.
For a change of pace though, I actually had a day off today. For once, I actually got to stay home and relax. For the first time in a long time, I didn't leave this place all day. It felt good to just be home.

Busy, busy, busy

2005-09-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

OK, it's been a while since I posted last. I've been crazy busy. I had to hurry and get everything ready for our Wednesday night children's ministry for the next year, get arrangements ready for taking some ministry workers to a local conference, prepare curriculum for Children's church, and take the kids to the circus because we got free tickets to Ringling Brothers, and on top of that, my two year old had his elbow pulled out of joint, so we had to take him to the ER to get it reset. Whew! I think I'll breathe now! Which would you like to hear about first? Please don't ask for details about the children's ministries! OK, thank you. Now moving on to more interesting subjects.
The circus was awesome. Not awesome like God is awesome, but awesome like I would never dream of doing the crazy things those people did. There were some things that they did that made me just about as stiff as a board watching them. Even the kids got a little bit tense. It was all a bunch of fun though, that we won't forget soon. There was this magician guy there that still makes me laugh to think about his show. It was so unrealistic that it was hilarious. The best parts though were when he took people from the audience. Those were indeed the funniest moments. He had this thing where he was supposedly hypnotizing people. He had a person from the audince in front of him, and he gestured to him that he should look him in the eyes. The guy from the audience did it for a little while, then started looking around. The magician shook his head, held his head and then started to mock him a bit. Then, it was time to start over. It didn't work, so he gave up and just told the guy to get in the cage. If only you could have seen it, you would know why I still chuckle now. The guy was good at being a lame but funny magician.
Alright, then there was the trip to the ER. My two year old boy needed to listen to his mom and get ready for bed. He didn't want to, so he pulled away from his mom trying to get away. Well, mom instinctively just held on to him. He did need to go to bed after all. Well, he pulled so hard, that he hurt himself and started to cry. We couldn't figure out what he did to himself, but he like it when we put ice on his arm. We thought that maybe he had pulled a muscle or something, so we helped soothe him to sleep, thinking, hoping, that it might be better in the morning. Nope. He cried harder in the morning! We figured that we better take him to the ER. We now thought that maybe he had sprained it or something like that. Well, anyway, the ER doctor realized that his elbow was pulled out of joint. Somehow, it had reset itself when he was getting his Xrays. Interesting isn't it? After all that trouble, it reset itself or got jiggled just right or something. Just like that, the kid feels like new. Who woulda thunk it?

Full Blown Christian?

2005-09-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

OK, now my sister is saying it too. The funny thing about this, is that I don't even really know what that means. The guy who first told me that I am a "full blown christian" wouldn't explain. I asked him, "OK, what is a 'full blown christian?' " His response although simple was very vague. He looked at me and replied, "You. You are a full blown christian." Now you may note my annoyance with that answer. Someone should have told him that repeating himself doesn't define anything. So, with that in mind, I'm going to take a little poll to see what you all think. If you think someone else might like to answer, send them my way so I can hear their answer. Ready? What is a "full blown christian?"

Funny Bunnies

2005-09-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of stories to tell you just to prove that even "full blown Christians" like myself as I have been called recently, can have a good time. I'm going to tell you two stories about some bunnies that made me laugh. These are true stories by the way. I totally did not make these up. Are you ready? Too bad, I'm getting started anyway.

Funny Bunny #1
OK, so I'm a deacon at my church, and we have a "Deacon's Meeting" every month. Well, last spring, we were in a meeting in the downstairs floor of our church, in the room that we usually meet in. The floor of that room is below ground level, and the windows are right at ground level. You could literally crawl out the windows onto the ground if you tried hard enough. Anyway, we were sitting there having our meeting, and we were discussing some big and deep church topic. I really don't remember what it was were talking about, because the next thing that happened was so funny. While we were talking, and really getting into it, we suddenly heard a THUMP. Those of us facing the window knew immediately what it was. A wild bunny had been hopping along in the church lawn, and hopped right into the window. It came to a sudden stop when it hit the glass. It fell down onto the ground and then quickly got back up. It looked in through the window to the right and to the left, with a confused look, as if wondering why it could not just hop right through. It then turned quickly to the left and hopped away. It all happened so fast, that those facing away from the window didn't get to see the bunny. They were sitting there confused, wondering why the rest of us were laughing so hard.

Funny Bunny #2
OK, so I drive a local transit bus for my main source of income. One day, just a week or two ago, one of my co-workers picked up the microphone for the bus radio so she could call in to base for something. As she was just about to speak, she saw something very funny, and she told us all on the radio exactly what she saw, forgetting what she wanted to say. She said, "HAHA. A bunny just hopped across the parking lot and went right in through the door at Wal-Mart. Oh wait, what was I going to say? Oh yeah..." What she said then doesn't matter. However, I wasn't sure that I heard her right, so I asked her if that was what she said. She said that was indeed what she had said. I responded, "Oh, well, he must have heard that they were having carrots on sale."

8 Years!

2005-09-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

It's official. My wife has put up with me for 8 years as of today. Let's all now give her a great round of applause. This could certainly not have been an easy accomplishment.
(Commentator: "And the crowd goes wild!")

Anniversaries

2005-09-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today, we went to a surprise party for a couple in our church. They are celebrating 50 years of marriage. That is really cool. I hope that my wife and I make it that long and still going strong. I really love her. Oh by the way, this Wednesday will be OUR anniversary. We will have been married for 8 years. I know that it pales in comparison to 50, but I will gladly take any occasion to celebrate what I have with my wife. Praise God! Marriage doesn't always feel great, but it is. God had a great idea when He came up with that one.

Not a boast.

2005-08-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

OK, in my previous post, I stated the difference between Christians and others. You know, Christians are going to heaven and others aren't. Some might read that as me bosting that I'm going to heaven and your not. Well, I wouldn't boast about such a thing. I think that's awful if anyone goes to hell. Instead, I would ask that you come to heaven with me. I would never wish hell on anyone. I once had a friend in college who told me about a vision that he got from God. He was out with his drinking buddies and they were, well, drinking. Anyway, right in the middle of the whole thing, he got this vision from God. He saw himself and his drinking buddies from a distance. Every time one of them took a drink, he saw demons behind them, coaxing them on saying things like, "Yeah, go ahead, have another drink." Suddenly, he found himself in a place that he identified as hell. In every direction that he looked, all he could see was an eternal fire. He said to me, "I can't explain to you in a way that you could understand, what that looked like. I mean, in every direction, there was an eternal fire." After that vision, he accepted Jesus into his heart, and became a Christian. He was afraid of the hell he had seen. I've never seen hell myself, but what he described to me is scary. I would never wish that on anyone. I have however, seen a little glimpse of heaven. I went to sleep one night when I was in college. I had a dream. In that dream, I saw my late father in heaven. He had his hands raised over his head as he was worshipping God. His face was different than I had ever seen it before. He had the biggest grin on his face that I have ever seen. He was shouting out to God with great gladness, worshipping Him. The best word that I can use to describe his expression is glee. It was pure glee. Suddenly he looked at me. He ran to me with arms outstretched, and he hugged me. I cried. I can still remember what they embrace felt like. I'm convinced that this was more than just a dream. I believe that I actually stepped into heaven to meet my earthly father for a brief moment. If my father can be that happy in heaven, anyone can. That, I would wish for everyone. So, with that in mind, won't you accept the forgiveness available for your sins, so that you can come to heaven with me and my father. (And others too.)

You don't know me.

2005-08-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

What am I thinking? Why did I ask a bunch of people who mostly don't know me about myself? That's crazy, you don't know me. I should ask someone who does know me. Anyway, this creates an opportunity for me to point something out to those that are not Christians but always point at the Christians accusingly. Most commonly, the accusation is "Hypocrites!" Well, it may surprise you, but most of us don't really think that we are so perfect in the first place. Maybe some of us do act like we think so, but trust me, it's just an act. Those who act that way are doing it because they feel insecure. When I first became a Christian at the young age of about 7 years old, I experienced that insecurity right away. I wondered if I would ever be able to live up to what I believe. Now, 20 years later, I'm convinced that nobody really can live up to it entirely. This is the part that so many people seem to miss. Christians have just as many faults as anyone else. The difference is that Christians have Jesus working in their hearts and lives to change them. It takes time to change. Sometimes, it's hard to change. You know, I have struggled for years with sweets. Although my belly gets bigger and I don't like it, I still want the stuff and I can't stay away from it. I've tried to change my eating habits, but it's hard. That's what it's like to be a Christian trying not to do the things that we know are wrong, but still want to do. But you know what? The difference between Christians and others is even bigger than that. Although we all are imperfect and do things that are wrong, Christians are forgiven, and are going to go to heaven. All others have forgiveness handed to them on a platter and they haven't picked it up yet. Because of that, they are on the way to hell. Please, I implore you, don't let people's bad behavior keep you away from the one who loves you most. He really is perfect, and He will always love you. His name is Jesus.

Talking in sermons?

2005-08-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

Some time back, I sent an e-mail to my younger sister, and she got upset with me. I let my older sister read it, and she said that it was because I preached to her. Also, I have this new Christian in my church who tells me that I am preaching to people. Now, my older sister tells me that I have a tendency to "sermonize." I don't get it. To me, I'm just talking with people in conversation. I try to make it a point not to start preaching at people, because I don't want to turn them off. If I'm turning people off by just talking in normal conversation, what does that say of me? I had this new Christian that I mentioned before tell me earlier this week, that I "act perfect." I don't get it. I'm not acting like anything except myself. I don't know why anyone would think that I consider myself to be perfect, or that I would act like I am. I'm FAR from perfect. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being absolutely perfect and without a flaw, and 1 being a total failure towards being perfect, I think that I might land somewhere around a -5. Who am I to preach perfection, act perfect, or judge people. For those that know me, I'm wondering, do I talk in sermons? I mean, I know how to put together a sermon. I know how to deliver a sermon. I never would have thought that I talk in sermons, except that some say I do. Would someone care to explain? I don't think I could figure this out on my own.

Where is God?

2005-08-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Where is God? That's the first thing my sister mentioned that she sees people asking in their blogs. For someone who doesn't know, that's a very good question. The answer can be complicated and simple at the same time. The complicated part is trying to understand this truth about God; He's everywhere. For us, we can't comprehend how anyone can be everywhere all at the same time. But the Bible tells us that He "Holds the universe in the palm of His hand." Considering how big the universe is, that's amazing. God's hand is bigger than the universe, and that's just His hand. That makes it all the more amazing to consider that He pays any attention to us at all. King David asked God, "Who is man that You are mindful of him?" It was even hard for King David to comprehend, whom God called "a man after God's own heart."
The easy part to understand is this; if God is everywhere, He is right here with me and He is right there with you. He is right there. Here's an idea that was given to me once to help understand this. Take a chair and set it in front of you or next to you. This is God's chair, and He's going to sit in it and talk with you. Go ahead and talk to Him. Don't hold back. You might feel silly at first, but after you've done it a few times, you'll actually feel like He's there and listening. Better yet, not only will you feel like it, you can know that He is. I've done it. I have felt the presence of God while doing it as well. I was sure that He was there. The more you talk to Him, the more sure you'll be. Just be sure that you don't do all the talking. He has things He wants to say too. Take some time and listen. You probably won't hear an audible voice with your ears, but you'll know in your heart that you just heard the voice of God. You'll hear it in your spirit. You'll just know.
I once heard a story about a guy why talked to God in this manner every day. When he got old and became ill, he was put into the hospital. He had the nurse bring a chair and put it next to the bed. Anyone who came in to visit was told, "You can't sit there. That's God's chair. You can use the one on the other side of the bed here." On the day that he passed away, one of his children came to visit. After having a special moment with him, that child slipped out of the room for a while. When that person returned to the room, there he was leaning over the side of the bed with his head on the chair. That's where he was when he passed away. He had come to be so close to the Lord with his sit in the chair discussions, that at his death, he leaned over and put his head on God's lap as he passed away.
You can know the Lord that closely as well. I assure you, He is there with you. He knows what is happening in your life. He does care about you. He loves you. He loves you very much.

Thanks for the comments.

2005-08-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

OK, thank you. It's good to hear from someone other than my sister. I mean, it's not bad to hear from my sister. I love her and besides that, she's kind of cool. (Well, at least most of the time she is. You know how sisters can be, right?) Well, I read all 15 of the comments I got since I posted last night, but I found the first one to be most interesting. Katie suggested that most people might not be too interested in God. I think more people are interested in God than they want to admit. Some people are just afraid to talk about Him in a public arena. Anyway, I don't think I could have a blog without mentioning God. You see, He's such a HUGE part of my life. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if it weren't for God, I might not even be here. Some might read that and say, "DUH, of course not, there wouldn't be anyone to create you if God weren't there." Well, that's not what I meant, true as it is. When I was a child, I considered suicide on one occasion, but I opted not to because of my faith in God. Boy am I glad that I made that decision. God has blessed my socks off over the years. By the way, I need to tell you the whole reason that I find Katie's comment interesting. I checked out her blog, and I noticed something right in her top of the screen entry. She was talking about some people that she knows who are going to have a child. Probably without knowing it, the one who thought people aren't very interested in God quoted scripture. She didn't quote a reference, but I know where it's found even if she doesn't. Actually, she probably wouldn't have a clue that it's scripture. She said "Be fruitful and multiply." For those that don't know, that's Genesis 1:28. I encourage you, look it up. You see, God has such a great impact on this world, that even those who aren't interested know scripture.

Confused!

2005-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. I started to do this whole blog thing thinking to myself, "Hey this is cool. I can write a journal that everyone can read and comment on. When people visit my sight, they will know how AWESOME God is and how many great things He has done for us. Well, I started writing stuff, and I read other people's blogs and left comments on their sights, hoping that they might be interested and read and comment on mine. Well, although I found that a couple confessed on their own sights that they had read mine, they never left anything on my sight to really let me know what they thought about what I said. My sister is the only one who actually comments on anything. Then, I came across this one blog where the guy actually blasted someone who had laft a comment because his blog was supposed to be his "personal" journal. Who was he to stick his nose in. If it's so personal, why is it posted on the world wide web for everyone to read? As I continued on, thinking that person was wierd, I found that there are others who feel the same way. And then, my sister leaves me this e-mail about linking my blog to hers. This made me curious, so I checkd her blog for the first time in a long time, and I came to the realization that she had kind of found a little group of friends to hang with online, the complete opposite of what I found. What gives! Does anyone out there care that I have anything to say about anything at all besides my sister, who sometimes thinks I'm wierd anyway just because I'm her brother? (By the way, you want to know wierd. My sister thinks it's a compliment to be called a dork. Just try it and see what happens. You can just go to to robinsstories.blogspot.com and call her a dork. I bet she'll say thank you and confirm that she loves you too.) Also, is this all supposed to be "personal." I don't see how it can be personal if it's available for anyone to read. Will someone besides my sister please say something!

Update

2005-07-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

OK, my sister reminded me that it has been a while since I posted, so I thought maybe I should give an update on my last post. My wife is fine. She does not have MS, but she does have Celiac disease. This means that she cannot eat foods with Gluten in it. Gluten is a natural component of wheat, oats, and barley, but when she eats it, she gets something of an allergic response kind of. The reason that she was feeling so week is because her body was detoxing from those allergic responses. It's a natural condition for someone who has stopped eating gluten. After a certain period of time, she will feel good as new again. I don't know when that will be, but I hope that it will be soon. Well, I've gotta go. My beautiful wife is calling me for dinner.

Is it good, or bad?

2005-06-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, my wife has not been feeling well. She's been feeling weak, and her joints are sore. There has been some concern that she may have MS. However, there is something good in this situation. At first, I thought this was all bad. It's not good when someone doesn't feel well of course. I would never argue that. But because this happened, my wife spent more time reading, and she came across some material that has given her some insight into romantic relationships that she never had before. Because of that, the quality of our marriage has increased significantly. I have been feeling like we are newlyweds again. God moves in mysterious ways.

Married 25 years!

2005-06-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today, our church threw a big celebration for our pastor and his wife because this tuesday is their 25th wedding anniversary. That's an amazing thought to me; 25 years of marriage. I've been married almost 8 years to my wife, and I can attest that marriage is a lot of work, so I give them a lot of credit. I hope that when our 25th anniversary comes along that we can have as nice a time as they are having. God has blessed them so richly in their marriage and in their ministry. I pray God continues to do so all the more. God is so AWESOME!

Sin which dwells in me

2005-06-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the law, confessing that the law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing that I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other hand, with my flesh the law of sin." Romans 7:14-25

Oh how I can identify with this passage! I find myself doing the evil that I don't want to do more often than I want to confess. How many of us have evil habits or hobbies and we struggle to stop doing them? The Apostle Paul could identify with us. He's the one who wrote this scripture by the inspiration of God. It is a perfect explanation of the christian waging war against the sin which dwells within. If only the unrighteous could read this and understand. We struggle with sin more as christians than we did before. Before, we didn't fight the sin, we let it rule. Now as christians, we fight sin and are anguished when we fail and relent to sin again. Oh that I could banish the sin from me for good! Oh how I long to be able to do good all the time. However, we can find comfort in the very next words of Paul.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-4

A daily experience.

2005-05-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

Knowing Jesus is a daily experience. If I wanted to, I could write something here about my relationship with Jesus every day. Every day, Jesus wants to have time with us. He longs for the time that we will come to Him. It is true that He saves us, but it is for us to maintain the relationship. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and you don't put much effort into the relationship, how long before the two of you drift apart. It only takes one of the people for this to happen. That's how it is with God. He will never pull away from us. He is always there. But we are not so faithful. We are prone to wander away from Him, and try to find satisfaction for our souls somewhere else. We need to try to maintain our relationship with Jesus. This means spending time with Him in prayer and reading our Bibles on a daily basis. So you know, I am just as guilty as anybody else. I also fail in maintaining my relationship with Him at times. I say this for my benefit as much as the benefit of anyone who might read this. I'm not perfect. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) Nevertheless, we can still draw near to Him to know Him more.

I count it all loss.

2005-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of knowing Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ..." Phillipians 3:7,8

"I count it all loss for the sake of knowing Him."

Knowing Him! That's what it means to really be a Christian. You can't be a Christian if you don't know Him.

To be a Christian is to be like Christ. You can't be like Christ if you don't know him. It's no different if I want to be like the President. If I want to be like him, I have to get to know him. I might think that I know him because he is such a public man, but I don't really know him, do I? I've never been introduced to him. I've never talked with him, not even on the phone or even e-mail. I don't really know the President. But I do know Christ. I have been introduced to Him, and I have talked with Him. When you talk with Christ, you get to know him better, and you get to know that there is nobody, and nothing better than knowing Him. I've learned over the years that God loves me, regardless of my sin, my past, my family, my interest or disintersts, or what I'm really like on the inside. I've learned that God is for me, not against me. I've learned that He is my protector, and my provider. I've learned that He is always with me, and He is always working things for my good. Also, I've learned that He is the most loving and forgiving being there is. There is not one like Him that I could compare. Above all, He loves me, and I love Him.

"I count it all loss for the sake of knowing Him."