Crazy Fiction and More!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Cliffyboy verses the... what?

After I sent Duckman off to East Bumblyburp, I flew around town to make sure that any evildoers would be dealt with. It was a long night of not much going on. I wouldn't admit it to some, but I actually nodded off a few times.

At dawn, I decided to go back to the water tower and see how Duckman was doing over there in East Bumblyburp. I landed the Cliffflyer and hopped out for a clear look. Everything looked good for a few moments, but then there seemed quite a commotion. I noticed that Duckman was chasing a....a.....something. I couldn't tell what it was. But!!!! they were coming straight toward Bumblyburp!!! I jumped back into the Cliffyflyer and began grumbling quite loudly about Duckman and his lack of super abilities, and how he was chasing danger toward my town.

I flew ever so swiftly over to the edge of town and met them as they were coming into town. I landed right in the middle of the street, and jumped out in front of them. "Halt!" I shouted.

The thing, whatever it was, stopped right in front of me. It was a peculiar creature. It seemed something like a blob with a mouth and eyes. Bloodshot eyes at that. It just stood there, that is, if it could stand, and it just looked at me.

Duckman came up behind him panting and said between breaths, "Finally.....I've got evil....whatever you......are."

The blob just turned slightly and looked at Duckman with what appeared to be annoyance. "Um, excuse me Duckman, but what seems to be the problem here?"

Duckman contiued to breathe hard for a moment, and then stood straight pointing at the...whatever. "This thing, whatever it is, beat up those kids on Blueberry Lane before I got there!"

The blob just looked annoyed and rolled his eyes. As I tried to understand the problem, the blob suddenly spoke up. "EEeyoploben perg fen, oobla glip glop!"

Duckman and I looked at each other in confusion. I looked back at the blob. "Um, could you repeat that? I'm not sure I understood what you said."

"EEeyoploben perg fen, oobla glip glop!" he said even more firmly this time.

I narrowed my eyes a bit, and leaned in a bit closer. "What are you?"


"You're a ....Heeblplip?"

The blob shook back and forth like he was shaking his head no, if that were possible. "Schmiglestan gleep frong pooble blonck."

I furrowed my brow and leaned over toward Duckman. "I don't get it."

Duckman slapped his forehead. "I went over to help that kid on Blueberry Lane like you said. Except this thing had already done it. When I asked for an explanation, he started babbling at me too. So naturally, I began chasing him when he suddenly turned and ran."

"Couldn't you have chased him the other way?"

"What, into West Dimpletown? There's no hero in that town. Nobody could have helped me."


I looked back to the blob, and then back to Duckman. "What do we do with him?"

"I don't know, that's why I came to you."

"Right. We'll give you a couple extra bonus points for problem solving."

"Gee, thanks!"

"I wasn't being serious you idiot! You're a super hero! You're supposed to be able to handle thses kinds of situations!"

Before I could berate him more, the blob jumped between us and began jumping up and down shouting, "Gleeble glop, gleeble glop, gleble glop glop glop!" over and over again. Suddenly, this mechanical device fell out of the blob and landed on the road with a loud bang. The blob just backed up and looked at us seething in anger. Duckman and I leaned over and looked at the device, wondering what it was.

Duckman picked it up and looked closer. "There's a button on here. Should I push it?"

"No..." I started, but it was too late. He pushed it. Thankfully, it was the right thing to do after all. There was a sound of the device powering up, and the blob seemed to sigh in relief.

The blob stepped over and sucked the device away from Duckman. "Finally!" the blob said. "Somebody with hands has turned on my universal translator! After those kids over there almost broke this thing, I had to use drastic measures to get it back. And now, all I need is someone that I want to talk to, and the two of you are not it. Goodbye."

Then, the blob just turned and left the way it came.

I turned to Duckman and said, "There, now that that's settled, I have a secret identity too uphold. As for you, I would follow him and keep an eye on him."

"But, Picklecliff, I have a secret identity to maintain as well!"

"That's your problem. In the meantime, that thing is in your town. Goodbye."

While Duckman continued to sputter, I flew away in my Cliffyflyer and went to work.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Meeting

So, at 10:00 I was there. I took out my Cliffyflyer instead of the Cliffymobile so that I could just land gently on top of the water tower. As I hopped out, I saw Duckman coming from a distance. As I waited, I surveyed the town around me, making sure no evildoers were taking advantage of this inconvenience and wreaking havoc in Bumblyburp.

So, Duckman landed in front of me and said quite obnoxiously, "Hello Cucumber!"

"My name is Cliffyboy, and I'm a pickle, not a cucumber."

"Oh, I'm sorry Cliffypickle. I'll get it right from now on."

"Sure you will. Anyway, there is a reason why I chose this place to meet."

"What's that?"

"Look all around you Duckman. In every direction, you see Bumblyburp below us."

"Yep. I can even see my house from here."

"Really? Where?"

"Haha! There you go again. I told you, I'm not giving away my secret identity. If I tell you, then I'd have to tell everyone else."

"Right. I forgot."

"Look, there's the mall over there. And there's city hall. And there's.."

"Ok, good, you got that all right. Now, look over there to the east."

"To the east?"

"Yes, right over there. That's East Bumblyburp."

"East Bumblyburp?"

"Yep. I'm ready to make a deal with you. I won't share this town with you, but I'll let you have East Bumblyburp. If anything happens over there, I'll stay out of it, and you can handle it."

"But, nothing ever happens in East Bumblyburp! You would doom me to being a superhero without a cause. Why should I protect a town that's perfectly safe on it's own?"

"Because if you don't, I'll tell every bad guy in town that you work at an office here somewhere. You know what will happen then don't you?"

"NOOOO! You wouldn't do that, would you?"

"Oh yes I would. But don't push me into it, because then I will have to come and save you. I'd rather that you take a little pressuer off by protecting East Bumblyburp. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about protecting that little boy on Blueberry Lane from the bullies at the bus stop. Instead, I can focus on the bigger trouble makers."

"What! There's a boy that gets bothered by bullies on Blueberry Lane? You've got a deal Picklecliff. I'll save him!"

Then he flew away. "My name is Cliffyboy!"

I watched as he flew off toward East Bumblyburp. "When do I tell him that they won't be there until morning?"

I hopped back into my Cliffyflyer and went back to patrolling the town.

"I love you Bumblyburp! You'll always be safe with me!"

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Cliffyboy Vs. Duckman

Alright, today, I knew that Duckman would probably be back. However, I didn't expect him to show up when he did. I was just driving around in my transit bus in the afternoon, taking the people of Bumblyburp where they wanted to go, when I saw him. He was flying around as if he were looking for petty crooks that were bold enough to try something in broad daylight. Well, there aren't many of those in Bumblyburp. I found the nearest gas station, and pulled the bus over. I shouted, "I have got to go, now!" I overheard one of the people on the bus comment to another, "That's the third time this month. He should have his prostate checked." I just ignored the person and ran into the gas station so fast that I was a blurr, and when I came out on the other side, I was Cliffyboy, superhero extraordinaire.

I looked up and I saw Duckman flying right overhead. What luck! I pointed my pickle juice shooter straight at the ground, and I fired the juice out so hard that I was catapulted right into the air, and straight at Duckman. He seemed quite surprised when he noticed me shooting at him at a high rate of speed, but he weasn't quick enough to get out of my way. We collided in a loud display of pickle juice and feathers and we fell straight down to the ground with me pinning down the lame duck.

"Got ya!" I shouted.

Then Duckman looked at me with great shock. "So it was you who shot that rocket at me?"

"That was no rocket. That was me flying through the air at you."

"Can't be. That was defenitely a rocket. I have to go find the evildoer who shot it at me."

"You're staying right here Duck."

"That's Duckman, not Duck."

"Now you listen to me. This is my town. I defend this town, and I don't need your help. Go find your own town."

"But this IS my town. Can't we defend it together?"

"WHAT!? NO WAY! I'd rather be a sidekick for Superhero Bob then share this city with the likes of you!"

"Superhero who?"

"Superhero Bob."

"Who's he?"



"Superhero Bob is a she, not a he."

"Really? Bob is a girl's name? I thought Bob was a boy's name. What until I see Bob back at the office. He'll never hear the end of that."

"No! Bob is not a girl's name...really. Well, I don't know why she calls herself that. Maybe it's a ploy to confuse her enemies. Wait a minute. You said something about 'Bob back at the office.' What office?"

"HAH! do you really think I'd tell you something like that? I might as well just tell you what my secret identity is. I'm not that dumb! If I told you my secret identity, then I'd have to tell everybody else. Then it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

"Well, OK. But if you have an office to work at, shouldn't you be there now?"

"Oh shoot! You're right. They're going to notice that I'm gone anytime now!"

"OK, well, we both have to get back to our secret identity rolls. If you want to discuss things, then meet me at the water tower at 10:00 tonight. All right?"

"OK, I'll see you there cucumber." Then he flew away.

"I'm a pickle, not a cucumber!"

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cliffyboy, Spellbinder, and Duckman

Ok, so I was just patrolling the town last night. I was just driving around in my Cliffymobile minding my own business when I see this guy that looks like a Merlin wannabe. He had that whole sorcerer robe and cap thing going on, and he had a book in one hand. He opened his book, and when I drove past, he said a few words and held his arm out stiffly as if to make me stop. Well, I did. Came to a screeching halt. Being that I wasn't using the brakes, the tires kept spinning and squeeling, making smoke like crazy.

So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out. "Hey! What do you think you're doing? Those are very expensive tires. I need good tires to be able to chase bad guys!"

"SILENCE!" he shouts at me. "I am Spellbinder! Watch in awe as I turn Bumblyburp upside down and inside out."

At this point, if this were a TV show, I'd look at the camera with a wry smile and almost snicker. Then, I would walk over, grab his book and punch him. What nerve this guy has thinking he can just turn my town upside down with his crazy spells. Well, anyway, that's what I would do if this were a TV show. But it's not.

Instead, he turned the page in his book and started mumbling a few words. Then he turned the page and began mumbling again. I couldn't help it anymore. "Um, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the spell that will turn you into a goat. Once you are a goat, then you will not be able to stop me from turning the town upside down. Aha! Wiggle worm and squiggly squirm, turn into a little worm!"

Suddenly, I have a whole different view point on life. I'm wiggling around on the ground, and I'm even softer than my usual pickle softness. Spellbinder however, was very upset. He had used the wrong spell.

"No, no, no. That's not a goat. That's a worm. The plan was to turn him into a goat. Do you think I can get it right. NOOOOOO! Not me. I've got to fix this."

Then he starts looking in his book again to see if he can figure out how to turn me into a goat. It's very fortunate that nobody pointed out to him that I wouldn't be able to do anything as a worm. He found a good number spells and he tried many of them. None of them turned me into a goat though. He turned me into a cow, a wolf, and a frog, before he settled on a newt and then changed his mind and insisted on the goat again. Then I became a telephone pole, a car, and a garage door opener before he decided that he had to start over. He found the spell that undid all of his spells made in the last hour, and I became myself again.

I would have jumped him right then, but I didn't have a chance. Instead, this half duck and half man jumped around the corner and shouted, "Have no fear! Duckman is here!" Great! Just what I need. Another super hero to get in my way.

"Wait a minute!" I shouted. 'This is my town! I don't need another super hero here to help me stop the evil doers here, and I won't allow some Merlin wannabe to turn my town upside down!"

"My name is Spellbinder! Not Merlin!"

"And I'm not just any other super hero! I'm Duckman!"

"I don't care what your names are! Give me that book!" I shouted as I began to chase spellbinder around the Cliffymobile. "And you, get out of my town. Go find another town to defend!" I shouted over my shoulder while running. That's when I realized that Duckman had just put out his webbed foot and tripped Spellbinder. He bent over, grabbed the book, and shredded it with bill. I would say teeth, but I'm not sure he had any.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shouted Spellbinder. "I need that book. Without it, I have no power!"

"Good!" I said. "That means that I can easily take you downtown to set up shop in your new home, a jail cell. Duckman, thanks, but go home."

"You're welcome Cucumber boy. Glad to be of service. I'll see you tomorrow!" Then he said, "Quack, quackity quack!" and he flew away.

"No, I won't see you tomorrow! Bumblyburp is my town! Stay away! I'm a pickle, not a cucumber!"

I don't think he's going to listen. Now I have to deal with him tomorrow.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man - part 2

So I press down hard on the gas, and the Cliffymobile shoots forward. So, when the Evil Biker Man slams his chain down, he misses and hits the road instead. Because this is not some ordinary chain, but a nuclear chain instead, it causes the road to explode into pieces. The Evil Biker Man almost lost total control of his bike. As it was, he had to move quick to keep his bike upright and not totally wipe out. As soon as he got back under control, he sped up behind me with an angry look on his face. He was also shaking his fist in anger, with the chain rattling back and forth with every shake. Yeah, I'd say I got him a little upset.

Well, anyway, he decided to try and come around to the side and do it again. He weaved to the left, and I weaved to the left so he couldn't get through. Then he went to the right, and I went to the right. We went back and forth like that a couple times. He got so fed up with it, that he just gunned the bike into a wheely and shot ahead until his front wheel was lodged onto the back of the Cliffymobile.

I gasped loudly as I watched him raise the chain again to strike the Cliffymobile, laughing like a maniac. Wait. We're talking about a villian here. Of course he's a maniac.

Well, once again I wasn't sure what to do, so in a panic, I slammed on the brakes. When I finally came to a stop, I saw that the sudden braking had launched the Evil Biker Man into the air with his bike and chain following close behind. All were spinning in the air with perfect harmony, as if it had all been planned. Totally amazed at what I was seeing, I sat with my mouth gaping as all three landed in the water fountain in front of city hall.

I zoomed over there, and quickly pulled the Biker Man out of the fountain. He was coughing and gagging, and trying very hard to breathe. I began to worry about the possibility that he might pass out. I began to look around to see if there might be someone else nearby to give him mouth to mouth if it came to it. There was no way I was going to put my lips together with this evildoer. It didn't matter that he had just gotten out of the fountain, wet as can be. He was still dirty. Super hero or not, that was one thing I just was NOT going to do. I was glad to see the police catching up.

The Biker Man finally caught his breath and then he began to cry. He turned back to the fountain and shouted, "My bike! My chain! They're both ruined! Without them, I can't be the Evil Biker Man!" He turned to me and grabbed my collar, shaking me. "What am I going to do! I had an identity. I wasn't just some average biker, or just some average goody two shoes. I was the Evil Biker Man! I was special!"

I knocked his hands off my collar and slapped him back into reality. "Get a hold of yourself man!"

The biker looked at me and gently rubbed his cheeks. "You slapped me." This guy had a real gift for the obvious sometimes.

"Look man, you don't have to be evil to be special. I know some bikers who do really good things, and they're still special. In fact, I know one guy who likes to ride a bike, and his last name is Good. His first name is Dave, and there isn't much special about that, but his last name is Good. And he is a biker. You can be special like that too. Just change your name to the Good Biker Man. Then, you can help people and still be special."

"Really? I can be special without being evil?"

"Yep. Unfortunately, you will have to pay the price for your evil first. Sorry. Take him away boys!"

Then the police officers cuffed him and read him his rights.

What a strange evening.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man

So, here I am, walking out of the police station after taking care of the purse snatcher, and I have one of the most strange experiences in my life to this point. This guy on a Harley comes riding up and stops right in front of me with dust and smoke all around. As I gag and cough, the smoke and dust settles and I find myself looking right into the eyes of this biker who is now standing right in front of me. As soon as he can see me clearly, he starts to laugh and just points at me, laughing so hard that he falls on the ground.

I was not amused. I asked him, "What's so funny?"

He suddenly stops laughing and stands back up to look me in the eye. "You call yourself a super hero? Look at your costume. And besides, you're a cucumber!!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Once again he fell backward laughing at me and pointing. I could only think of one thing to say. "Um, I'm a pickle, not a cucumber."

The guy stopped again, but this time, he didn't resort back to his laughing fit anymore. "Pickle, Cucumber, who cares. It doesn't matter. I am the Evil Biker Man! I will take over the city, and you will be defeated!"

At this point, if I were on a TV show I would look into the camera with slight amusement and disbelief that this guy believes he can just defeat me and take over my city. I might even have a slight smirk on my face. Then I would ask him, "Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?" Of course, that's what I would do if I were on a TV show, because then the bad guys always tell you what their evil plan is. Actually, I probably would have asked him anyway, but I didn't have enough time. He went ahead and told me anyway.

"Let me tell you how I'm going to do it!" he says. Then he just stood there like he was asking me for permission.

"Um, yeah, go ahead."

"I will!" He turned back to his Harley and pulled a chain out of his sack. When he turned back to me, he held the chain tightly over his head and shouted, "This is my nuclear chain of death!" The chain began to glow. It really was nuclear. "I'm going to ride around the city and wreak destruction with it. And when I'm done, I'm going to use it to destroy you!"

Then he got back on his bike and rode off into the traffic. I watched as he whipped his chain at the vehicles and ruined the cars. Many people were getting hurt. Then I realized, that I have to do something. I am a super hero after all. But, what am I going to do? It didn't matter. I had to do something, and do it now, even if it didn't work.

First, I called 911. Somebody had to after all. I needed to have somebody nearby to give the evildoer to after I caught him, and besides, people were hurt and they needed medical attention. Then I jumped into my Cliffymobile and raced after him. There were already some police cars after him. There were also rescue responders coming from the opposite direction. He didn't pull over for anyone. What a heartless criminal! He wouldn't even let his victims recieve help from the paramedics! I had to act quick. I pulled up beside the biker, and I glared at him. He looked at me and laughed. He raised his chain high, just about ready to use it on my Cliffymobile! Oh no! What will I do?

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Adventures of Cliffyboy - Chapter 2

OK, so the evening started out slow. I went down to the mall, and everything seemed to be business as usual. For hours, nothing out of the ordinary happened. There was one incident around 9:30 though. You see, there was this wierdo who thought he could steal this teenagers purse. He didn't see me standing by the store on the corner. Well, he grabbed the girl's purse and ran...straight towards me. This one was easy. I just ducked around the corner and squirted a little pickle juice onto the floor. Sure enough, he stepped right in it and fell flat on his back. Being the nice super hero that I am, I caught his head before it hit the floor. There's no use in gloating to an evildoer if he can't tell what you're saying because he has a concussion. I held his head in my hands and I looked right into his eyes. "Thought you could get away with it, didn't you! Well, not while Cliffyboy is in town. You'll have to come downtown with me, evildoer."

"Hey!" he says. "That's not a very nice thing to say, calling me an evildoer."

"Oh, and it was just common courtesy for you to hold that young ladies purse, right. How nice of you." I respond with sarcasm. "You'll be returning that now."

After returning the purse, and going downtown to the police station, the young man met his fate for the night, a jail cell. Now, I find myself wondering if I'll get any real challenge in defending Bumblyburp tonight. I dare any super villain to just try to take this town.