Pyramids

Today, my five year old son Jonathan said something while we were traveling a three hour trip for a family get together. It came out of the blue, and it's really quite funny. He said, "Pyramids have waterslides." I have no idea where he would have gotten that idea, but can you imagine...Ancient Egypt...

The Egyptian slave driver cracked his whip. "Come on slave, I want this pyramid done today!" They only had about 2 bricks to put in and they would be done, but they were big bricks.

The slave looked up and said "Yessir." He and his fellow slaves tried to work harder.

The slave driver continued. "I bet you think that you all will be done when you get these two bricks into place. Well, you're wrong. Pharoah has asked for a new feature on this one. You will only put in one brick, and then we will install a ladder on the inside leding up to the hole in the wall. Then, you will all dig a well on the inside. I don't care how deep you have to go, we must have water."

All the slaves groaned. One spoke up. "Are you nuts? We will have to dig for three months before we even find enough water to make a mud pie. Maybe you haven't realized, but we are in the desert."

"I don't care. What Pharoah wants, Pharoah gets. If it takes three months, it takes three months. After you hit water, you will then install a pump with a pipe leading to the hole at the top of the pyramid."

"What? I don't think we have that kind of technology. I think we'll have to wait centuries before we figure out how to do that."

"Then you'll have to be creative. After that, you will install a piece of plastic going from the hole at the top, all the way down the outside of the pyramid, until it gets to the bottom, where we will install an in-ground pool to land in."

"What?" The slave looked to the slave next to him. "Did you understand that?" The other slave shook his head. The first slave looked back to the slave driver. "What's plastic, and what is an in-ground pool?"

The slave driver held his hand to his forehead and shook his head all at once. "Never mind. We''ll take it one step at a time. Just do as I tell you."
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Three years later, after the water slide is finally complete, Pharoah comes to try it out. The slaves stand nearby and watch as Pharoah climbs the ladder, hands off his head piece, and slides down the waterslide belly first. Pharoah squeals with delight as he quickly approaches the pool at the bottom. After he hits the water with the biggest splash any Egyptian has ever seen, the slaves become jealous. The same slave that had questioned the project before approaches his slave master. "Hey, do you think we could try it?"

"No! Slaves cannot be seen having fun with the Pharoah of Egypt. If you are not working for him, you must bow down and worship him. That's what slaves do."

The slave turns back to the others. "See, I told you he wouldn't let us. Let's go guys!"

All the slaves rushed as a huge mob into the pyramid, knocking over slave drivers and royalty alike. Without stopping, they all climbed the ladder in a huge line, and dove down the water slide and into the pool, shouting with delight the whole way. Each time a slave got out of the water, they were promptly grabbed and bound. By the time the last slave got out, half the water from the pool was in the surrounding sand.

Pharoah scolded them all personally. To the sdlaves he said, "Fools! Do you have any idea how much gold you have wasted by splashing out all my water? You will not have food for three weeks!"

To the slave drivers he said, "Incompetent! That is what you all are. You're fired! All of you go home."

The slaves realized that all of a sudden, there was no one to force them to do anything. All the slave drivers were just fired. "We're free! Everyone back to the waterslide!"

And so, the cycle started all over again. As soon as they got out of their ropes, they were off for the waterslide.

New Title

OK, I've changed the title of my blog. As I thought about it, I don't think that I have used my blog quite the way that I originally intended, so I thought it needed a new title. I thought that I was getting some good reviews on my stories, so I thought that I would make more stories and mix some other things in with it; thus the title: Crazy Fiction and More. Stay tuned for another story soon...or maybe something else.

Back by popular demand!

Well, my sister appears to be amused by my stories. I'll share more. Here's a couple that go along with Thanksgiving, in the same style and format as my previous stories. Imagine your favorite newscaster saying...


"Wild Turkey Fights Back!"
In a quiet forest near Plymouth, Massachusetts, a hunter encountered a very unusual turkey the other day. The hunter had been following the turkey very slowly and as quietly as he could. However, he tells us that the turkey disappeared behind a large rock for a very long time. When he followed to see where it had gone, he discovered instead that it had prepared an ambush. The turkey held a sharp stone in it’s foot and cut a piece of rope as soon as the hunter looked over the rock. Immediately the hunter was overcome by a large amount of pine cones and pebbles that flew out off of the catapult that the turkey had prepared. The weight of the great mass knocked him out.
You might think to yourself that this turkey was pretty smart, but you don’t know the whole story. He’s smarter than you think. He knew that smart hunters don’t hunt alone. The hunter did indeed have a hunting body that came looking for him when the fellow didn’t come to meet him. He did eventually find his hunting buddy, but he also found one of the most unusual situations heard of. He noticed his buddy covered with pine cones and pebbles, with a message scratched into the dirt nearby. After checking to make sure his friend was still alive and OK, he read the message scratched in the ground. It said, "Take your friends this message. Don’t mess with us turkeys." He then noticed the turkey look over the top of the rock. He saw something then that nobody has ever seen before. That turkey held a gun in it’s foot. It was the very same gun that his buddy had been hunting with. The turkey aimed for the hunter’s feet and shouted, "Gobble, gobble, gobble! Dance!" The turkey began shooting while the hunter danced. The first hunter was startled awake by the gunshots. He got up and ran away, leaving his buddy behind. His buddy soon followed however, because the turkey ordered him to run and chased him away with a great shout. "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

"Turkey Avoids Cutting Block!"
In a barn not far from Plymouth, Massachusetts, a turkey outwitted a local farmer. Farmer Williams was looking forward to having a big turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner. He had fed his turkey well, and this day was the time to get his turkey ready for the meal. The turkey had inside sources however, that warned him ahead of time what the farmer would do. So when Farmer Williams approached the turkey, he didn’t just turn and run. He had a plan. Instead of running, he demanded his freedom. We interviewed Farmer Williams, and he told us that the turkey had tied up all the other animals and was holding them for ransom. The ransom price was his freedom.
At first, the farmer was in no mood to play games, so he lunged for the turkey and dragged it to the cutting block. The turkey however, had tied each animal to a line that he held. When the farmer swung his hatchet to cut off his head, he nearly missed as the turkey yanked the duck’s head to the cutting block. On the second swing, it happened again, except this time, it was the farmer’s prize goose. Farmer Williams, rattled by the near loss of his prize goose, finally gave in to the turkey’s demands. The turkey, nervous that the farmer would not keep his word, went to the nearest city and got a ride in the first cab he could flag down. The turkey has not been seen since.

Alien stories.

Due to my sister's curiosity in things I have written that are similar to hers, I have decided to share some alien stories. (Obviously, that's because she writes alien stories too. Mostly Star Trek.) Anyway, here are three stories in the same fashion as before, written like a news story. Imagine your favorite news caster saying this...


"Ships Found Floating in the Ocean!"
Off the coast of Bermuda the other night, vacationers on a cruise ship reported that they had seen some strange lights in the sky. Upon hearing those reports, the captain of the ship was said to have muttered something about the Bermuda Triangle, and then ordered everyone away from him. In the morning, those same passengers from the night before awoke to see three ancient ships floating off the port bow. They reported this to the captain also, who already knew of their existence. He told passengers that he intended to go and explore the ships. He found them to be very interesting, because there appeared to be nobody on them. After he and a couple crew members boarded the closest ship, the searched it from top to bottom. One crew member noted that the name of the ship was Nina. While the captain thought he remembered that name from somewhere in history, the names of the other two boats were reported to be the Pinta and the Santa Maria. While the captain pondered this, a crew member with him noticed a piece of paper on the deck. He reached down and picked it up, and as he read it, he got a very bewildered look on his face. The Captain noticed, and grabbed the paper from him. It’s reported that the color drained from the captains face as he read out loud these words; "We are from the planet Fropple. We came years ago and grabbed these specimens from your seas. Although we found that your food was tasty, and your people made good pets, we found no good use for the pieces of wood with sails. Being that we were cruising through your part of the galaxy again, we decided to drop them off to you. By the way, the pet who insists on calling himself Christopher Columbus keeps bothering me to ask you to save him, he can’t take it anymore. There, I asked maybe now he will be quiet." With that, the Coast Guard was called in to get the ships, and the President ordered NASA to start planning a rescue for the national hero stuck in space.


"Unplanned Concert in Columbus!"
In Columbus, Ohio, citizens of the city were awakened in the middle of the night to Elvis Presley music. Those who were aothered enough to get out of their beds and look out the window saw a strange sight. They reported seeing a UFO hovering over the city with a huge TV screen in tow. On that screen, was Elvis Presley, singing his music. When the screen changed to show a picture of the audience, they saw many little green men and women shouting and going wild. Some reported to have seen the word "LIVE" printed in the corner of the screen. There were some so fascinated by what they saw, that they forgot all about sleeping, and got their chairs to watch the show, enjoying many classics such as "Blue Suede Shoes" and "You Aint Nothing but a Hound Dog!" After the concert, Mr. Presley was reported to have addressed the people of Earth saying, "Thank you. Thank you very much. I love it here. Mr. Columbus is still crying for his mommy, but I don’t wanna leave. When you come to rescue him, leave me behind."


"Snow in Miami!"
Today the people of Miami had a huge surprise near dawn. When they looked out the windows, they saw snow on the ground. Many people went into the snow, amazed because they had never seen snow, or because snow doesn’t belong in Miami, Florida. At first, meteorologists were very confused trying to understand why there was such a great drop in temperature, and about 6 inches of snow covering Miami. However, those flying airplanes that morning saw what the cause was. A flying saucer was hovering over Miami. The interesting about this flying saucer is that it appeared to have an engine that let off very cold air and, of all things, snow. Scientists quickly became curious what kind of fuel a flying saucer could use that would create cold air and snow. However, when attempts to contact the ship were made, it suddenly sped up and out of the atmosphere. In the meantime, as temperatures quickly went up in Miami, residents made the most of their very first snow day, throwing snow balls and making forts as quickly as they could before it all melted away. One person from the Miami Dolphins football team was quoted by a reporter to have said, "Yea, I’ve seen this before. It looks like Buffalo. OK, I don’t want to talk anymore. Bad memories."

Tagged

OK, my sister knows that I read her blog, so she tagged me with this funny MeMe thing as she calls it. I don't really know exactly what that means, but I get the idea. Anyway, here it is.

The One with Three

Three names I go by:
1. Cliff Slater
2. Young Cliff (My bosses name is also Cliff, so I'm Young Cliff, and he's Big Cliff. He doesn't like being called Old Cliff.)
3. Honey

Three screen names I have had:
1. Sorry, I only have one. Cliff

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. Big chest muscles. Ha ha!
2. Big arm muscles. Ha ha!
3. Big mouth muscles. Ha... owe wait, never mind.

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. Belly
2. Belly
3. Belly

Three parts of my heritage:
1. German
2. Scottish
3. Bradford County,PA

Three things that scare me:
1. God
2. God
3. No I mean it. I'm determined to fear God and Him only.

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Mushy stuff with my wife.

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. Newsboys
2. Michael W. Smith
3. White Heart

Three of my favorite songs:
1. Be Thou My Vision (OK, it's a hymn, but it's still a kind of song.)
2. Joy [Newsboys]
3. Take My Hands (Praises)[Newsboys]

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Communication
2. Genuine Care
3. Sex (We are talking about a marriage relationship, right?)

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
I'll let you decide what's what.
1. Satan loves you.
2. Jesus died for the forgiveness of your sins.
3. The sky is blue, at least from this side.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
1. My wife's upper body.
2. My wife's middle body.
3. My wife's lower body. (Hey, marital bias IS good.)

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. Baseball
2. Reading
3. Goofing off.

Three things I want to do really badly right now:
1. talk to someone I email in person
2. Eat a whole bunch of food with suger in it. (OK, it's a weakness.)
3. I'm sorry, this last one is x-rated, but at least it involves my wife.

Three careers I've considered:
1. Children's Pastor
2. Gas station manager (rejected)
3. Bus driver. I wait, I am a bus driver.

Three Places I want to vacation:
1. Slaterville, Connecticut (Yeah, it's a real place.)
2. Hawaii
3. Oh, just pick a place I haven't gone to yet.

Three kid's names I like:
Boys names:
1. Tani
2. Jonathan
3. Daniel
Girls Names:
1. Emily
2. Elizabeth
3. Jennifer

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Celebrate 100 years of marriage.
2. Celebrate my 120th birthday.
3. Experience world wide revival.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:
1. I fell in love with a smashingly gorgeous woman.
2. I like spending time with her.
3. I don't ask for directions. (But that's because I already know how to get there, and I seldom get lost. Just ask my wife. I know she will vouch for me.)

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
OK, this must be a trick question. I am not like any girl I know, and I know this because I can't understand any of them.

Three celeb crushes:
Sorry. I don't do crushes. I love my wife, and my wife only. (marital bias IS good.)

Three people I would like to see post this meme:Going to be nice just like my sister and just tag one person. Fluke Starbucker, you thought you would get off easy? Not today. You're it. :)