Crazy Fiction and More!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cliffyboy, Spellbinder, and Duckman

Ok, so I was just patrolling the town last night. I was just driving around in my Cliffymobile minding my own business when I see this guy that looks like a Merlin wannabe. He had that whole sorcerer robe and cap thing going on, and he had a book in one hand. He opened his book, and when I drove past, he said a few words and held his arm out stiffly as if to make me stop. Well, I did. Came to a screeching halt. Being that I wasn't using the brakes, the tires kept spinning and squeeling, making smoke like crazy.

So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out. "Hey! What do you think you're doing? Those are very expensive tires. I need good tires to be able to chase bad guys!"

"SILENCE!" he shouts at me. "I am Spellbinder! Watch in awe as I turn Bumblyburp upside down and inside out."

At this point, if this were a TV show, I'd look at the camera with a wry smile and almost snicker. Then, I would walk over, grab his book and punch him. What nerve this guy has thinking he can just turn my town upside down with his crazy spells. Well, anyway, that's what I would do if this were a TV show. But it's not.

Instead, he turned the page in his book and started mumbling a few words. Then he turned the page and began mumbling again. I couldn't help it anymore. "Um, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the spell that will turn you into a goat. Once you are a goat, then you will not be able to stop me from turning the town upside down. Aha! Wiggle worm and squiggly squirm, turn into a little worm!"

Suddenly, I have a whole different view point on life. I'm wiggling around on the ground, and I'm even softer than my usual pickle softness. Spellbinder however, was very upset. He had used the wrong spell.

"No, no, no. That's not a goat. That's a worm. The plan was to turn him into a goat. Do you think I can get it right. NOOOOOO! Not me. I've got to fix this."

Then he starts looking in his book again to see if he can figure out how to turn me into a goat. It's very fortunate that nobody pointed out to him that I wouldn't be able to do anything as a worm. He found a good number spells and he tried many of them. None of them turned me into a goat though. He turned me into a cow, a wolf, and a frog, before he settled on a newt and then changed his mind and insisted on the goat again. Then I became a telephone pole, a car, and a garage door opener before he decided that he had to start over. He found the spell that undid all of his spells made in the last hour, and I became myself again.

I would have jumped him right then, but I didn't have a chance. Instead, this half duck and half man jumped around the corner and shouted, "Have no fear! Duckman is here!" Great! Just what I need. Another super hero to get in my way.

"Wait a minute!" I shouted. 'This is my town! I don't need another super hero here to help me stop the evil doers here, and I won't allow some Merlin wannabe to turn my town upside down!"

"My name is Spellbinder! Not Merlin!"

"And I'm not just any other super hero! I'm Duckman!"

"I don't care what your names are! Give me that book!" I shouted as I began to chase spellbinder around the Cliffymobile. "And you, get out of my town. Go find another town to defend!" I shouted over my shoulder while running. That's when I realized that Duckman had just put out his webbed foot and tripped Spellbinder. He bent over, grabbed the book, and shredded it with his....duck bill. I would say teeth, but I'm not sure he had any.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shouted Spellbinder. "I need that book. Without it, I have no power!"

"Good!" I said. "That means that I can easily take you downtown to set up shop in your new home, a jail cell. Duckman, thanks, but go home."

"You're welcome Cucumber boy. Glad to be of service. I'll see you tomorrow!" Then he said, "Quack, quackity quack!" and he flew away.

"No, I won't see you tomorrow! Bumblyburp is my town! Stay away! I'm a pickle, not a cucumber!"

I don't think he's going to listen. Now I have to deal with him tomorrow.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man - part 2

So I press down hard on the gas, and the Cliffymobile shoots forward. So, when the Evil Biker Man slams his chain down, he misses and hits the road instead. Because this is not some ordinary chain, but a nuclear chain instead, it causes the road to explode into pieces. The Evil Biker Man almost lost total control of his bike. As it was, he had to move quick to keep his bike upright and not totally wipe out. As soon as he got back under control, he sped up behind me with an angry look on his face. He was also shaking his fist in anger, with the chain rattling back and forth with every shake. Yeah, I'd say I got him a little upset.

Well, anyway, he decided to try and come around to the side and do it again. He weaved to the left, and I weaved to the left so he couldn't get through. Then he went to the right, and I went to the right. We went back and forth like that a couple times. He got so fed up with it, that he just gunned the bike into a wheely and shot ahead until his front wheel was lodged onto the back of the Cliffymobile.

I gasped loudly as I watched him raise the chain again to strike the Cliffymobile, laughing like a maniac. Wait. We're talking about a villian here. Of course he's a maniac.

Well, once again I wasn't sure what to do, so in a panic, I slammed on the brakes. When I finally came to a stop, I saw that the sudden braking had launched the Evil Biker Man into the air with his bike and chain following close behind. All were spinning in the air with perfect harmony, as if it had all been planned. Totally amazed at what I was seeing, I sat with my mouth gaping as all three landed in the water fountain in front of city hall.

I zoomed over there, and quickly pulled the Biker Man out of the fountain. He was coughing and gagging, and trying very hard to breathe. I began to worry about the possibility that he might pass out. I began to look around to see if there might be someone else nearby to give him mouth to mouth if it came to it. There was no way I was going to put my lips together with this evildoer. It didn't matter that he had just gotten out of the fountain, wet as can be. He was still dirty. Super hero or not, that was one thing I just was NOT going to do. I was glad to see the police catching up.

The Biker Man finally caught his breath and then he began to cry. He turned back to the fountain and shouted, "My bike! My chain! They're both ruined! Without them, I can't be the Evil Biker Man!" He turned to me and grabbed my collar, shaking me. "What am I going to do! I had an identity. I wasn't just some average biker, or just some average goody two shoes. I was the Evil Biker Man! I was special!"

I knocked his hands off my collar and slapped him back into reality. "Get a hold of yourself man!"

The biker looked at me and gently rubbed his cheeks. "You slapped me." This guy had a real gift for the obvious sometimes.

"Look man, you don't have to be evil to be special. I know some bikers who do really good things, and they're still special. In fact, I know one guy who likes to ride a bike, and his last name is Good. His first name is Dave, and there isn't much special about that, but his last name is Good. And he is a biker. You can be special like that too. Just change your name to the Good Biker Man. Then, you can help people and still be special."

"Really? I can be special without being evil?"

"Yep. Unfortunately, you will have to pay the price for your evil first. Sorry. Take him away boys!"

Then the police officers cuffed him and read him his rights.

What a strange evening.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Cliffyboy Vs. The Evil Biker Man

So, here I am, walking out of the police station after taking care of the purse snatcher, and I have one of the most strange experiences in my life to this point. This guy on a Harley comes riding up and stops right in front of me with dust and smoke all around. As I gag and cough, the smoke and dust settles and I find myself looking right into the eyes of this biker who is now standing right in front of me. As soon as he can see me clearly, he starts to laugh and just points at me, laughing so hard that he falls on the ground.

I was not amused. I asked him, "What's so funny?"

He suddenly stops laughing and stands back up to look me in the eye. "You call yourself a super hero? Look at your costume. And besides, you're a cucumber!!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Once again he fell backward laughing at me and pointing. I could only think of one thing to say. "Um, I'm a pickle, not a cucumber."

The guy stopped again, but this time, he didn't resort back to his laughing fit anymore. "Pickle, Cucumber, who cares. It doesn't matter. I am the Evil Biker Man! I will take over the city, and you will be defeated!"

At this point, if I were on a TV show I would look into the camera with slight amusement and disbelief that this guy believes he can just defeat me and take over my city. I might even have a slight smirk on my face. Then I would ask him, "Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?" Of course, that's what I would do if I were on a TV show, because then the bad guys always tell you what their evil plan is. Actually, I probably would have asked him anyway, but I didn't have enough time. He went ahead and told me anyway.

"Let me tell you how I'm going to do it!" he says. Then he just stood there like he was asking me for permission.

"Um, yeah, go ahead."

"I will!" He turned back to his Harley and pulled a chain out of his sack. When he turned back to me, he held the chain tightly over his head and shouted, "This is my nuclear chain of death!" The chain began to glow. It really was nuclear. "I'm going to ride around the city and wreak destruction with it. And when I'm done, I'm going to use it to destroy you!"

Then he got back on his bike and rode off into the traffic. I watched as he whipped his chain at the vehicles and ruined the cars. Many people were getting hurt. Then I realized, that I have to do something. I am a super hero after all. But, what am I going to do? It didn't matter. I had to do something, and do it now, even if it didn't work.

First, I called 911. Somebody had to after all. I needed to have somebody nearby to give the evildoer to after I caught him, and besides, people were hurt and they needed medical attention. Then I jumped into my Cliffymobile and raced after him. There were already some police cars after him. There were also rescue responders coming from the opposite direction. He didn't pull over for anyone. What a heartless criminal! He wouldn't even let his victims recieve help from the paramedics! I had to act quick. I pulled up beside the biker, and I glared at him. He looked at me and laughed. He raised his chain high, just about ready to use it on my Cliffymobile! Oh no! What will I do?

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Adventures of Cliffyboy - Chapter 2

OK, so the evening started out slow. I went down to the mall, and everything seemed to be business as usual. For hours, nothing out of the ordinary happened. There was one incident around 9:30 though. You see, there was this wierdo who thought he could steal this teenagers purse. He didn't see me standing by the store on the corner. Well, he grabbed the girl's purse and ran...straight towards me. This one was easy. I just ducked around the corner and squirted a little pickle juice onto the floor. Sure enough, he stepped right in it and fell flat on his back. Being the nice super hero that I am, I caught his head before it hit the floor. There's no use in gloating to an evildoer if he can't tell what you're saying because he has a concussion. I held his head in my hands and I looked right into his eyes. "Thought you could get away with it, didn't you! Well, not while Cliffyboy is in town. You'll have to come downtown with me, evildoer."

"Hey!" he says. "That's not a very nice thing to say, calling me an evildoer."

"Oh, and it was just common courtesy for you to hold that young ladies purse, right. How nice of you." I respond with sarcasm. "You'll be returning that now."

After returning the purse, and going downtown to the police station, the young man met his fate for the night, a jail cell. Now, I find myself wondering if I'll get any real challenge in defending Bumblyburp tonight. I dare any super villain to just try to take this town.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Adventures of Cliffyboy - chapter 1

Hello! My name is Cliff. Well, at least that's the name I go by when I'm in my civilian clothes. But sometimes, a hero is needed. That's when I put on my super suit and then I go by the name, Cliffyboy. Yep, that's right. By day, I'm the average transit bus driver, and by night, I'm the galant superhero, Cliffyboy. Well, actually, I don't do all my crime fighting at night. Sometimes, somebody needs a hero in broad day light. That can be the most challenging thing about my life. How do you stop in the middle of a bus route and change into your super siut to save someone when you have a bus load of passengers watching your every move? I've had to get real creative a couple times.

Once, I had to run into an elementary school to change into my super suit. I told everyone on the bus that I had to go to the bathroom. That worked. However, it's hard to throw off all your civilian clothes and hide them while putting on a helmet while your in a bathroom stall. One might ask, what do you need a helmet for? Well, how else am I supposed to rig my pickle juice shooters over my ears. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I'm not a human like many of you reading my story. I'm a pickle. Sometimes, evildoers will mistake me for a cucumber. That's when I shoot my pickle juice at them and remind them that I'm a pickle, not a cucumber.

Usually though, I like to fight crime at night, when I'm not working. It's easier to put all my effort and energy into it when I don't have to worry about transporting people all around the town of Bumblyburp. Oh yeah! That's the town that I faithfully protect. Bumblyburp! Founded in 1803 by the famous Obadiah Bumbleburp. He was a pickle too.

Well, enough writing! I must go out and protect the city! What evildoers will I meet tonight? God only knows.