Duck Tales!

Imagine your favorite newscaster telling you these duck tales.


"The Dry Duck!"
In the town of Rainy, Ohio, a young boy noticed an unusual thing by the pond out back. What he saw was a duck carrying an umbrella, and constantly watching the sky. His curiosity really got to him, so he went out to talk to the duck. "Excuse me duck, but what are you doing?"
The duck looked at him, apparently shocked that the boy was talking to him. After a moment, when he realized that he was just standing with his bill open, he cleared his throat and asked, "I’m sorry, what do you mean?"
The was a little surprised to hear the duck talk to him in English with very little of his duck accent. "Well, I mean, why are you walking around with an umbrella, watching the sky?"
"Why that’s easy to answer young man. I’m watching to see if it will rain. You see, I don’t want to get my feathers wet."
"But, I thought that ducks liked water."
"Well, most ducks do, but I don’t. Actually, I’m terribly frightened of water. I’m not quite so concerned about standing water, like in a lake or something like that. What bothers me more is the thought that it could rain. I always carry this umbrella with me just in case it does. You see, once it starts raining, you never know when it will stop. It could rain for days or weeks, and then you would have a flood. I also wouldn’t be able to get dry for months. It would take forever for the water to recede."
"Have you ever been stuck in a flood before?"
"Oh yes. I have experienced many floods, and think that now I may have developed a condition. I’m always watching for rain, because I don’t want it to flood. You know, there was a time long ago when it rained for more than a month. The water got so high, that it rose over the tallest mountain. The only place I could find to stay dry was a stupid boat filled with all kinds of animals. Boy did it stink. And would you believe, the captain of that boat wouldn’t let me have my umbrella. He took it from me and refused to give it back until the water had all dried up. I haven’t let it out of my sight since."
"You mean to tell me that you were on Noah’s Ark?" asked the boy skeptically.
"Well, yes. I was. What, you don’t believe me?"
"Noah’s ark sailed thousands of years ago. How could you have been alive that long?"
"Have you ever herd of Rip Van Winkle? Well, I’ve got him beat. When I fall asleep, I sleep for centuries. However, I never sleep without my umbrella."
The boy invited the duck into his house. The duck gladly accepted, because then he would be inside where it doesn’t rain. The duck told the story to the boy’s father, and the local news agencies, and the duck became famous. It didn’t last long though. Three days later, the duck fell asleep in the boy’s bed.

"Duckman!"
There is a man in western New Jersey that is no longer just a man. He used to be a scientist studying the eating habits of ducks, when there was an accident. Ever since that accident, he has insisted on being called "Duckman."
Here’s what happened. Every evening, the scientist would feed the ducks. Well, one day, the food looked funny. However, because this whole thing was an experiment, he gave the food to the ducks anyway. He wanted to see if they would eat it.
Well, must of the ducks refused to eat, but there was one that tried it. The duck hated it. However, the duck appeared to gain supernatural thought processes and supernatural strength. The duck spit out the second piece of food and exclaimed, "Hey you, scientist! Where’s the real food!?"
The scientist was shocked. "You can talk!?"
"Of course I can. But your not going to be able to talk, because I’m going to cram this food into your mouth and see how YOU like it!"
The duck jumped at the man, and both of them fell into the water dish, which was big enough to water all the ducks. The food mixed with the water, and there was an amazing chemical reaction. The water and food mix caused the duck and the scientist to fuse together and become one. He looked like a man with duck feathers and wings, and a bill in place of his mouth and nose, and webbed feet like a duck. He also had super human strength.
Ever since the accident, the duck man has been flying all over the region and helping people in need. He has saved many people who were being mugged, and jumping off bridges. He has insisted that people call him Duckman. If you get into trouble, call for Duckman, and he may come help you. His phone number is 1-800-DUCKMAN. Calls may be monitored for evil doers.