Crazy Fiction and More!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Purple monsters and mad snowmen.

Imagine if you turned on the evening news and you heard stories like these.

"Purple Tree Eater!"
There are reports coming from the wilderness of the state of Washington, of a strange creature. Many have heard of Bigfoot sightings, but now we have heard of Purple Tree Eater sightings. The first sighting was about ten miles from the little town of Hungry Man, Washington. A man was trying to do some hunting with no luck, and then he saw it. A large purple creature was walking through the forest just pulling branches gently from the trees. He gathered all the branches in his arms according to our anonymous witness. As he watched the creature looked right at him and smiled.
After a few minutes of gazing at him, the creature walked right over to him and sat down with his armful of tree branches. The creature picked one branch and held it out to the man. Unsure what to do, the man reached out and took the branch, holding it with two arms. The purple creature then picked out another branch and held it up to his mouth. The creature began doing something that the man never expected. It licked all the bark off of the branches with a very rough tongue, and then slowly bit pieces off of the branch with big teeth, eating it slowly as if to savor it.
Without warning, the creature suddenly jumped up and spit a piece out. "White pine! I hate White Pine. Other flavors of pine are good, but not White Pine. I also like Maple, and Cherry branches, but White Pine is no good."
The creature then walked away, leaving the man flabbergasted at this experience. After telling his story, people all over the state started to report that they were seeing purple objects moving amongst the trees. None of them however have told quite an interesting tale of this creature. The media is calling it the "One-eyed, one-horned, purple tree-eater." If you see the Purple Tree Eater, we urge you to contact your local Police Station.

Second Story:
"Snowmen Picket News Station!"
In Buffalo, New York, there has been an unprecedented reaction to the local weather mans report of upcoming weather. It’s not unusual for people to complain about the weather report. People do it all the time. But how often do we see the local snowmen actively protest the weather?
The report for later this month included what is called the January thaw. This is the time in January where the temperatures rise from their usually frigid numbers to the temperatures where the snow and ice begin to melt. When the snowmen heard that the January thaw was coming soon, they quickly banded together and made sings to protest it. They went directly to the nearest TV station with a weather man, and began their picket. They had signs that read, "No warmer temperatures!" and "No January thaw!" as well as "Snow and Ice forever!" The snowmen have devoted themselves wholly to this strike, saying they will keep picketing until the weather man apologizes, or until they melt, whichever comes first.
Around noon the other day, they became a bit unruly. When the police showed up, they were threatened that they had better calm down, or the police were going to call in the fire company to spray them with the water hoses. This made them very upset, but when the firemen actually arrived, they all turned and ran away. They have not yet returned, but a spokesman for the snowmen vowed that they would return soon.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

More weird stories!

Here's a couple stories that I wrote just recently for the children's curriculum. I hope you and the kids like them. Imagine your favorite newscaster saying...


"Toddler Saves the Planet!"
There are some very bizarre and hardly believable reports coming from a family in New Mexico. The Smith family in Los Armadillo says that they were kidnapped by aliens the other night. Mrs. Smith reports that she awoke to find that she and her family were all in a space ship hovering over Earth. She quickly woke up the rest of her family, and they began to try to decide what they should do.
As they were talking, the door of the room suddenly opened and four aliens walked in. They have described in detail what these aliens looked like. They say they were all short and green, with ten long tentacles coming out of the top of their heads. On the end of each tentacle was a big yellow eye. Their mouths were very small, but every once in a while, one of them would stick out their very long tongues just long enough to clean off one of their eyes, because they had no eyelids. Also, although their arms were quite long, they had very short, stubby fingers. When asked about the aliens noses, they all looked at each other before Mr. Smith commented, "I don’t think they had noses."
Well, one alien stepped forward from the group and began to speak in English. "Well, we see you are awake. That is good, because that means that we can no go forward with our plan. We wanted someone to witness what we do to your planet, and we chose your family to be our witnesses before we take you home to be our slaves."
Mr. Smith asked, "Why us?"
The alien seemed confused at first. "What?"
"Why us? Why did you choose us to be your witnesses?"
"Don’t bother me with details! Let’s get started. Come over to the window and you will see what happens."
Everyone, except for the two year old Smith boy named Richie, went over to the window. The alien explained how they had been watching Earth for years, and how they had been working all that time to make a weapon to blow up the Earth. Right in the middle of the explanation, they all stopped suddenly, when they heard Richie laughing. Everyone looked and watched as Richie pulled a little object out of the wall. The alien shouted, "Noooooo! Not the power cell!"
Richie then proceeded to pound the object on the floor and tear it apart with his little fingers. All the aliens fell onto the floor when this happened and began to cry. The lead alien said, "You’ve ruined hundreds of years of planning. We will now crash land on Earth, and all is ruined!"
The Smiths said that they didn’t remember anything after that until they woke up in their beds the next morning. At first they all thought they had dreamed it, until they all told each other the same dream. Just a coincidence? You decide.

"Monster Eats Socks!"
If you ask little Samantha Turner of Laundryville, Michigan about here socks, she will tell you an interesting story. One of our reporters did, and this is what he got.
Samantha says she always has new socks to wear, but it’s not because her family is rich. In fact, her family really is like any average middle class family. There is only one thing that is different. Three years ago, they got a new washing machine. "What’s different about that?" you ask? Let me tell you. This was no average washing machine.
After washing the laundry with it for a few weeks, everybody noticed that although the socks went into the washer with the rest of the white laundry, they didn’t come back out. Samantha decided that she was going to found out what happened to the socks. Her feet were getting cold.
She stayed with the washing machine during the next load, and she listened. As she was waiting, she thought that something sounded different and strange in the washing machine. She quickly opened the lid and looked in, and then quickly screamed. There was a monster in the washing machine eating all the wet socks!
The monster stuck it’s head out and said, "Wait! Don’t scream! It hurts my ears." Samantha looked at him and grew very quiet, and scared, not knowing what to do.
The monster spoke. ‘Look, let’s just keep this between you and me. I need to eat something, and I really like wet dirty but what socks. I know you really need socks for your feet, but can’t your parents buy you more?"
"Not all the time." said Samantha. "How about this; what if you only eat some of the socks in each load. That way, you won’t get caught by my parents, but you still get to eat socks."
The monster liked the idea. That’s how it’s been for the whole time. Samantha says that she talks with the monster often. She has even given it a name. However, we are not supposed to tell her parents this story. She likes talking to her monster friend, and doesn’t want him to have to leave, so let’s just keep this story between us. OK?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

That's right!

Ok, you know things are good in college football. I heard a radio jockey comment on it. He said that the bowl games for the past two nights are proof that there is something right in american sports. I must agree, especially when I consider the Orange Bowl that was played Tuesday night. You know things are good when Penn State defeats Florida State 26-23 in triple overtime at the Orange Bowl! Now that's a great football game! THAT'S RIGHT! PENN STATE IS BACK BABY!